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Effective Consequences for Teens That Really Work

May 12, 2021

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The joys of parenting include disciplining your child when they do something wrong. But what do you do when your teen is no longer a small child who you can give a time out to? Take a look at these effective consequences for teens, and why they work so well.

An effective consequence is one that should encourage your child to change their behaviour. Perhaps they are not abiding by your house rules, or they aren’t being respectful to people, or they are lying. Then you need to find a consequence that will help change that behaviour.

Really effective consequences, for teens or any age, are ones that are connected to the original behaviour, and are both task- and time-specific.

YOU MAY ALSO ENJOY: Expert Tips to Help You Communicate with Your Teen

Setting the Rules

Set clear rules.

Tweens and teens push boundaries to see how their parents will respond. It’s important to establish clear rules, and to have consequences for breaking those rules. For example, the punishment for breaking the curfew might be that your teen has to stay home the next weekend.

Tip: You’ll get less resistance if you involve your kids in designing their own consequences. Just don’t forget that you still have the final say.

Ignore Mild Misbehaviour

There’s that old saying “pick your battles wisely” and you don’t want to be heavy handed by trying to give a consequence for something that’s actually a minor misbehaviour when you think about it, as irritating as it might be.

It’s obviously important to choose which behaviours you are going to ignore. Unsafe or serious or unsafe behaviours should never be ignored.

Mild misbehaviours are usually irritating or annoying, but don’t generally harm humans (including one’s self), animals, or property.

And minor unwanted behaviours tend to correct over time, especially if you don’t give them attention or overreact to them.

YOU MAY ALSO ENJOY: 10 Important Pieces of Advice to Give Your Teenage Son and 10 Important Things You Should Tell Your Teenage Daughter

Put It in Writing

In order that there are no misunderstandings, some parents create a formal list of house rules, or write a behaviour contract that both they and their teen sign. The good thing about this is you can put up the list or contract on the fridge or somewhere obvious where everyone can see it.

Your house rules might include times for curfew, and specific responsibilities that you expect your teen to do like put out the bins or walk the dog after homework is out the way.

The contract or house rules should also include consequences, for example, “Anyone who breaks one of these rules loses their wifi access for a day.”

Then if your teen does fall out of line, you have the list or contract to point to.

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Examples of Effective Consequences for Teens

Loss of privileges.

You must take something away from your teen that he or she really enjoys to make this consequence effective. It should cause your teen some discomfort to lose the privilege, but not be out of proportion to the misbehaviour.

As an example, don’t just take away their phone just because they were rude. Instead ask your teen what acceptable behaviour they could show instead of being rude if they are feeling frustrated, and ask how you can help remind them to do that acceptable behaviour. Asking your teen, instead of reacting, can also help deflect anger and frustration.

In order to choose the right privilege to use as an effective consequence, you have to know your teen. What are they interested in? What would really impact them if they lost it for a short period of time? The privilege should be an activity that your child will actually miss. Withhold that privilege until your child completes the task you’ve set for them.

Sit down with your teen and come up with a list of privileges and consequences together. There are a few advantages of this approach.

• You are working as a team to solve the problem.
• It can help parents identify things or activities your teen loves.
• It sets out clearly what the consequences will be for certain infractions, so not only will your teen know what happens if they break a house rule, but also parents don’t have to come up with something in the heat of a difficult moment.

Privileges could include:

• WIFI access
• Devices and screen time (tablet, laptop, phone, gaming, etc)
• Getting to go out with their friends
• Use of the car

You can also have your teen earn their privilege back. Just like outlining consequences, outline the steps they need to take to restore their privilege.

Instead of saying, “You can have your phone back when I can trust you again,” say, “You can have your phone back after you have your homework completed.”

YOU MAY ALSO ENJOY: 8 Ways to Have a Better Relationship with Your Teen

Restitution

Restitution gives your teen the chance to try and repair damage that was the result of their action. It can be a valuable way to learn a lesson and learn some empathy for others too.

So for example, if your daughter borrows her sister’s clothing and rips a hole in it, she should pay to have it repaired or replace it. Or if your son damages the neighbour’s fence by crashing his bike or his skateboard into it, he should pay to repair the fence and do a few extra chores for the neighbour.

Natural Consequences

A natural consequence is something that automatically results from a person’s action. Natural consequences show teens the reasons for your rules, and provide a correction without the parent having to do anything, which can prevent teens from developing resentment at a parent for “punishing” them.

If your house rule is that clothes only get washed that are placed in the dirty clothes hamper, then if your teen doesn’t comply and leaves them on the bedroom floor, the clothes don’t get washed. The consequence here is that they will have to either wash the clothes themselves, not get to wear the clothes they wanted, or wear them dirty.

Alternatively, if in your house they get an allowance but spend the entire allowance at once, then the consequence is that they won’t have any money until it’s next allowance day.

If your teen doesn’t do their homework, school may teach him a lesson by giving them extra homework, detention, or a zero mark or getting them to stay after school to complete the missed homework.

Rather than you nagging them, give them the chance to either behave responsibly or face the consequences. Think carefully about whether your teen will learn from his mistakes if you don’t intervene because they’ll realise from the natural consequences that happen.

Are you looking for advice on how to deal with your tween or teen? Download our  FREE e-Book which is full of essential tips to help you survive the teen years!

Logical Consequences

Logical consequences are ones that are a good fit to the “crime”. So for example, if they get caught speeding in the car, they lose access to the car.

Or if they are having difficulty getting up in the morning for school, a logical consequence would mean an earlier lights out time at night.

I love this story I came across: A son’s morning chore was to get the pooper-scooper and clean up the dog poo in the garden. When the boy wasn’t doing this, the parents came up with this creative solution, after he had done poop patrol, he would need to run through the back garden barefoot. From then on, their garden was perfectly clean!

Extra Chores

You could create a Job Jar filled with annoying or unpleasant (but necessary!) chores like:

• Cleaning the toilet
• Moving and vacuuming under the living room furniture
• Weeding the garden
• Doing poop patrol in the backyard
• Defrosting the freezer
• Reorganizing the pots and pans cupboard

If your teen breaks a house rule they have to take a chore from the Job Jar as a consequence.

Finally, some advice about grounding. We used to be the generation that was automatically grounded when we had done something wrong, because our parents knew that we met our friends that way. Now, while grounding might work for some teens, it is not always one of the most effective consequences for teens as they network and connect with their friends in a different way than we did.

If you do decide on grounding, here are some tips:

• Define what grounding means for your house rules and when it will be applied.
• Don’t ground your teen for too long; a month would be ineffective, for example.
• Do allow your teen to reduce some of the grounding time by doing extra chores or volunteering or even sitting down and writing a plan for how they can improve their behaviour.

If you do opt for grounding, don’t cut off all social contact for your teen. So if she isn’t allowed to meet her friends, don’t ban her from texting or messaging her friends, remember that FOMO is powerful and as she will be in touch with what is going on, she will hopefully feel that pain and determine not to miss out next time.

YOU MAY ALSO ENJOY: The Challenge of Parenting Teens: 9 Hurdles Every Parent Faces

About the Author: Jill Holtz

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Home / Expert Articles / Child Behavior Problems / School & Homework

“My Child Refuses to Do Homework” — How to Stop the Nightly Struggle Over Schoolwork

By janet lehman, msw.

For many parents, getting their kids to do their homework is a nightly struggle. Some kids refuse to do their homework. Others claim that they don’t have homework, but then the report card comes out, and you realize that their work was not being done.

So why is homework time so difficult? In my opinion, one of the major reasons is that it’s hard for kids to focus at home. Look at it this way: when your child is in school, they’re in a classroom where there aren’t a lot of distractions. The learning is structured and organized, and all the students are focusing on the same thing.

But when your child comes home, their brain clicks over to “free time” mode. In their mind, home is a place to relax, have a snack, listen to music, and play video games. Kids simply don’t view the home as the place to do schoolwork.

If the homework struggles you experience are part of a larger pattern of acting out behavior, then the child is resisting to get power over you. They intend to do what they want to do when they want to do it, and homework just becomes another battlefield. And, as on any other battlefield, parents can use tactics that succeed or tactics that fail.

Regardless of why your child won’t do their homework, know that fighting over it is a losing proposition for both of you. You will end up frustrated, angry, and exhausted, and your child will have found yet another way to push your buttons. And, even worse, they will wind up hating school and hating learning.

A major part of getting your child to do their homework lies in establishing a system so that your child comes to see that homework is just a regular part of home life. Once they accept that, you’ve already won half the battle. Accordingly, my first few tips are around setting up this system. If you get the system right, things tend to fall into place.

Put this system in place with your child at a time when things are calm and going well rather than during the heat of an argument. Tell your child that you’re going to try something different starting next week with homework that will make it go better for everyone. Then explain the system.

You’ll find that this system will make your life easier as a parent, will make you more effective as a parent, and will help your child to get the work done. And when your child gets their work done, they’re more likely to succeed, and nothing drives motivation more than success.

Structure the Evening for Homework

When your kids come home, there should be a structure and a schedule set up each night. I recommend that you write this up and post it on the refrigerator or in some central location in the house. Kids need to know that there is a time to eat, a time to do homework, and also that there is free time. And remember, free time starts after homework is done.

Homework time should be a quiet time in your whole house. Siblings shouldn’t be in the next room watching TV or playing video games. The whole idea is to eliminate distractions. The message to your child is, “You’re not going to do anything anyway, so you might as well do your homework.”

Even if your child doesn’t have homework some nights, homework time should still mean no phone and no electronics. Instead, your child can read a book or a magazine in their room or work on longer-term assignments. Consistently adhering to the homework time structure is important to instill the homework habit.

Start the Evening Homework Habit When Your Kids are Young

If your children are younger and they don’t get homework yet, set aside quiet time each evening where your child can read or do some type of learning. Doing so will help children understand that evening quiet and study time is a part of everyday home life, just like chores. This habit will pay off when the real homework begins.

Use a Public Place for Homework

For a lot of kids, sending them to their rooms to do their homework is a mistake. Many children need your presence to stay focused and disciplined. And they need to be away from the stuff in their rooms that can distract them.

You know your child best. If you think they’re not being productive in their room, then insist they work at the kitchen table or in some other room where you can monitor them and where there will be fewer distractions.

If they do homework in their room, the door to the room should be open, and you should check in from time to time. No text messaging, no fooling around. Take the phone and laptop away and eliminate electronics from the room during study time. In short, you want to get rid of all the temptations and distractions.

Give Breaks During Homework Time

Many kids get tired halfway through homework time, and that’s when they start acting up. If your child is doing an hour of homework, have them take a 5-minute break every half-hour so that they can get up, have a snack, and stretch their legs. But don’t allow electronics during the break—electronics are just too distracting.

Monitor the break and ensure that your child gets back to work promptly.

Be sure to encourage your child when they’re discouraged. It’s okay to say things like:

“I know it’s a drag, but think of this—when you get your work done, the rest of the night is yours.”

“Look, if you do your work all week, you’ll have the whole weekend to do what you want.”

Show your child empathy—how many of us truly enjoyed homework every night? It’s work, pure and simple. But your child will be encouraged when they begin to have success with their work.

Help Your Child Get Started With Their Homework

Some kids have a hard time getting assignments started. They may be overwhelmed or unsure where to begin. Or the work may seem too difficult.

There’s a concept I explain in The Total Transformation® child behavior program called hurdle help . If you have a child who has a hard time getting started, spend the first five minutes with them to get them over the first couple of hurdles. Perhaps help them with the first math problem or make sure they understand the assignment.

For many kids who are slow starters, hurdle help is very effective. This doesn’t mean you are doing their homework for them—this is simply extra help designed to get them going on their own.

Help Your Child Manage Long-Term Assignments

If your child has a big, long-term project, then you want to work with them to estimate how much time it’s going to take. Then your child has to work within that time frame. So if your child has a science project, help them manage and structure their time. For instance, if the project is due in 30 days, ask them:

“How much time are you going to spend on it each night?”

They might say, “15 minutes a night,” and you hold them to that.

Don’t assume that your child knows how to manage their time effectively. As adults, we sometimes take for granted the habits we have spent a lifetime developing and forget that our kids are not there yet.

Make Sunday Night a School Night

The way that I structure the weekend is that Sunday night is a school night, not Friday. So if your child has homework for the weekend, and as long as they’re done all their work for the past week, they get Friday and Saturday night off and can do their homework on Sunday night.

If there’s a project or something big to do over the weekend, then work with your child to budget their time. They may have to put some time in on Saturday or Sunday during the day. But other than that, your child should have the weekend off too, just like adults do.

The Weekend Doesn’t Begin Until Overdue Work Is Done

If your child has overdue homework, their weekend shouldn’t begin until those assignments are done. In other words, Friday night is a homework night if their week’s work is not complete.

Believe me, this is a highly effective consequence for kids because it creates a great incentive to get their work done. Indeed, each minute they’re doing homework is a minute they could be hanging out with friends or playing video games.

If you can hold to this rule once and deal with the complaining, then next week the homework will be done.

By the way, if they say they can’t do their homework because they didn’t bring their school books home, they should be grounded for the weekend. You can say:

“I don’t want to hear that you can’t do it because you don’t have your books. You’d better call around and find a friend who you can borrow them from. Otherwise, you’ll be staying in this weekend.”

Make Homework a Higher Priority Than Activities

Kids are involved in a lot of after school activities these days. I understand that. But my priority has always been “homework comes first.”

In my opinion, if the homework isn’t done on Monday, then your child shouldn’t go to football on Tuesday. It’s fine if he misses a practice or two. You can say:

“Here’s the deal. We’re not going to football today. You need to get your work done first.”

If your child says, “Well, if I miss a practice, I’m going to get thrown off the team,” You can say:

“Well, then make sure your work is complete. Otherwise, you’re not going to practice. That’s all there is to it.”

I personally don’t put football, soccer, or any other extracurricular activities above homework and home responsibilities. I don’t believe parents should be going from soccer to karate to basketball with their kids while homework and school responsibilities are being neglected.

Use Rewards for Schoolwork, Not Bribes

Most kids get personal satisfaction out of getting good grades and completing their work, and that’s what we’re aiming for. Nevertheless, it’s important to reinforce positive behavior, and that may mean offering an incentive for getting good grades. For instance, my son knew that he would get a certain reward for his performance if he got all B’s or above. The reward was an incentive to do well.

One of the shortcuts we take as parents is to bribe our kids rather than rewarding them for performance. It can be a subtle difference. A reward is something that is given after an achievement. A bribe is something you give your child after negotiating with them over something that is already a responsibility.

If you bribe your child to do their homework or to do anything else that is an expected responsibility, then your child will come to expect something extra just for behaving appropriately. Bribes undermine your parental authority as kids learn that they can get things from you by threatening bad behavior. Bribes put your child in charge of you.

The appropriate parental response to not meeting a responsibility is a consequence, not a bribe. A bribe says, “If you do your homework, I will extend your curfew by an hour.” In contrast, a consequence says, “If you don’t do your homework, you’re grounded until it’s finished.” Never bribe your kids to do what they’re expected to do.

Use Effective Consequences

When giving consequences, be sure they’re effective consequences. What makes an effective consequence? An effective consequence motivates your child to good behavior. They put you back in control and teach your child how to problem-solve, giving your child the skills needed to be successful.

An effective consequence looks like this:

“If you fall below a B average, then you can no longer study in your room and must study at the kitchen table until you get your average back to a B.”

For the child who prefers to study in their room, this is an effective consequence.

Another effective consequence would be the following:

“If you choose not to study during the scheduled time, you will lose your electronics for the night. Tomorrow, you’ll get another chance to use them.”

And the next day, your child gets to try again to earn the privilege of electronics. Short-term consequences like this are very effective. Just don’t take away this privilege for more than a day as your child will have no incentive to do better the next time.

For more on consequences, read the article on how to give effective consequences to your child .

Be Prepared to Let Your Child Fail

Failure should be an option, and sometimes you just have to let your child fail . Parents often do their kids a disservice when they shield them from the consequences of their actions. If your child chooses not to study enough and they get a failing grade, that’s the natural consequence for their behavior. And they should experience the discomfort that results from their behavior.

Let me be clear. If you interfere and try to get your child’s teacher to change their grade, your child will learn the wrong lesson. Your child will learn that if they screw up enough, Mom and Dad will take care of them. And they don’t learn their math or science or whatever it is they failed.

To be sure, failing is a hard lesson, but it’s the right lesson when your child fails. And it’s not the end of the world. In fact, for many kids, it’s what turns them around.

Don’t Fight with Your Child Over Homework

Don’t get sucked into arguments with your child about homework. Make it very clear that if they don’t do their homework, then the next part of their night does not begin. Keep discussions simple. Say to your child:

“Right now is homework time. The sooner you get it done, the sooner you can have free time.”

Say this in a supportive way with a smile on your face. Again, it’s important not to get sucked into fights with your child. Remember, you don’t have to attend every argument you’re invited to. If your child refuses to do his or her work, then calmly give the consequence that you established for not doing homework.

Also, trying to convince your child that grades are important is a losing battle. You can’t make your child take school as seriously as you do. The truth is, they don’t typically think that way. To get your child to do homework, focus on their behavior, not their motivation. Rather than giving a lecture, just maintain the system that enables them to get their work done. Often, the motivation comes after the child has had a taste of success, and this system sets them up for that success.

Stay Calm When Helping Your Child With Their Homework

It’s important to be calm when helping your child with their homework. Don’t argue about the right answer for the math problem or the right way to do the geography quiz. If you get frustrated and start yelling and screaming at your child, this sets a negative tone and won’t help them get the work done. It’s better to walk away than it is to engage in an argument, even when you’re just trying to be helpful.

For couples, it may be that one of you is more patient and acceptable to your child. Let that person take on the homework monitoring responsibilities. And don’t take it personally if it isn’t you.

Remember, if you can’t stay calm when helping your child, or if you find that your help is making the situation worse, then it’s better not to help at all. Find someone else or talk to the teacher about how your child can get the help they need. And try not to blame your child for the frustration that you feel.

It’s Your Child’s Homework, Not Yours

Remember that your child is doing the homework as a school assignment. The teacher will ultimately be the judge of how good or bad, correct or incorrect the work is. You’re not responsible for the work itself; your job is to guide your child. You can always make suggestions, but ultimately it’s your child’s job to do their assignments. And it’s the teacher’s job to grade them.

Know the Teachers and the Assignments

Build good relationships with your child’s teachers. Meet with the teachers at the beginning of the school year and stay in touch as the year progresses. Your relationships with your child’s teachers will pay off if your child begins to have problems.

And if your child does have problems, then communicate with their teachers weekly. If they’re not handing in their work on time, ask the teachers to send you any assignments that they didn’t get done each week. Many schools have assignments available online, which is a big help for parents. Just don’t rely on your child to give you accurate information. Find out for yourself.

The bottom line is that you want to hold your child accountable for doing their work, and you can only do that if you know what the work is. If you keep yourself informed, then you won’t be surprised when report cards come out.

Work with your child on a system to keep track of assignments. I recommend an old-fashioned paper calendar simply because we already have too many distracting electronics in our lives—experiment and use what works best for your child.

Finally, try to see your child’s teachers as your allies. In my experience, most teachers are dedicated and caring, but I realize that this isn’t always the case. So, for your child’s sake, do your best to find a way to work with their teachers.

If You Think Your Child Might Have a Learning Disability

Kids are expected to do some difficult work, and your child may struggle. If your child is having an especially hard time, talk with their teacher. Ask if it’s typical for your child to be struggling in this area.

In some cases, the teacher may recommend testing to see if your child has a learning disability. While this can be hard to hear as a parent, it’s important to find out so that you can make the necessary adjustments.

If it turns out that your child does have a learning disability, then you want to get an Individualized Educational Plan (IEP) set up with the school.

Most kids don’t enjoy homework, and for some, it will always be a struggle. Our children all have different strengths and abilities, and while some may never be excellent students, they might be great workers, talented artists, or thoughtful builders.

I have to admit that dealing with my son’s homework was one of my least favorite experiences as a parent. It was overwhelming at times. Often, I just wasn’t equipped to offer the help he needed.

Our son struggled with a learning disability, which made the work feel unending at times. My husband James was much better at helping him, so he took on this responsibility. But even with this division of labor, we had to make adjustments to our schedules, our lives, and our expectations to make sure our son did his homework as expected.

Life would be easier if all children were self-motivated students who came home, sat down, and dug into their homework without being asked. This is hardly the case, though. Therefore, you need to set up a system that is right for your child, and it’s going to be easier for some kids than for others.

We’re trying to raise our kids to be responsible and accountable for their homework. And we’re trying to avoid fighting with them over it every night. When I had parents in my office, I would take these concepts and show them how they could make it work for their families in their own homes. The families I worked with were able to turn the nightly homework struggle around successfully time and time again.

Related content: The Homework Battle: How to Get Children to Do Homework

Empowering Parents Podcast: Apple, Spotify

About Janet Lehman, MSW

Janet Lehman, MSW, has worked with troubled children and teens for over 30 years. A veteran social worker, she specializes in child behavior issues — ranging from anger management and oppositional defiance to more serious criminal behavior in teens. She is co-creator of The Total Transformation® Program , The Complete Guide To Consequences™ , Getting Through To Your Child™ , and Two Parents One Plan™ .

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Hello, my grandson recently moved with me from another state. He is currently in 8th grade (but should be in 9th). He basically failed the last 2 years and was promoted. I would say he is at a 6th grade level. It's a daily fight with him to do his homework. He won't even try. I know a lot of this is because no one has ever made him do his homework before. I thought he would just have to get in a routine of doing it. He's been in school for a month now and its a fight every single day after school. I have lost all the patience I had. I am tired of being a broken record and being the "bad guy". I don't want to give up on him and send him back to his mom, where I know he will never graduate. I have made so many sacrifices to get him here, but I am literally at my wits end with this. I knew it wasn't going to be easy but I didn't think it was going to be this hard.

My rule is homework after school. If he comes home and does his homework after school, it was easier for him to complete. That lasted a week and a half. Now, he just sits there and does nothing. Does anyone have any suggestions? I couldn't live with myself if I sent him back and he became nothing but a drop out. I know I am not one to have patience, and I am trying but at the same time, I am almost over it. I don't like going to bed crying and knowing that he is crying too. I am open to all suggestions. Please and thank you.

I'm so sorry you are facing these struggles with your grandson. We here from many caregivers in similar situations, so you're not alone in your frustration. We have several articles that offer helpful tips for managing these homework struggles, which can be found here: https://www.empoweringparents.com/article-categories/child-behavior-problems/school-homework/

We appreciate you reaching out and wish you all the best moving forward. Be sure to check back and let us know how things are going.

Jessicar Thank you for this article and strategies. I echo many of the frustrations expressed by other parents here, including my opinion (as an educator) that homework should not exist. I agree that teachers and parents are in a struggle about which adult is responsible for supporting the child in getting More homework done. The best thing for my son was a free "homework club" in fourth and fifth grade where a teacher monitored completion of homework. He has nothing like this in middle school so far. Where I really disagree with the article is about extracurricular activities. Kids need physical activity through sports! They need enrichment beyond academics through the arts, theater, music. Many families send their children to religious, language, and/or cultural programs after school. If I sat in school all day, I'd want to move my body and interact with others too. The solution is not removing extracurricular activities that are healthy or motivating or valued. The solution is for schools to limit homework. Given that there is still homework as a reality--I'd like advice on when to have child do homework AFTER sports or extracurricular activity. When is the best time for homework if the goal is to go to bed on time (in my house in bed around 9 pm)? Between extracurricular and dinner--when the kid is tired? After dinner? My child is in 7th grade and I still can't figure it out. What do others do/think?

I found school to be extremely boring, as a teen. Looking back I realize that I hadn't found the work challenging enough. Personally, I struggled with this all through high school. I was completely disinterested in school, as a result.

I noticed that there wasn't a section addressing situations where children, who are motivated by challenges, do poorly as a result of boredom.

I enjoy reading many of the articles; even those which don't necessarily apply to my current situations with my child. One never knows what obstacles or challenges one may come across. Thank you

Here's what I know. Correcting our children when their behavior is displeasing is what most parents focus on. Without a lot of explanation I'm going to try to get you to change your focus. All children have 4 emotional needs:

1. A sense of belonging

2. A sense of personal power

3. To be heard and understood

4. Limits and boundaries

Rather than focus on your child's behavior, focus on meeting these needs. Meet the needs, change the behavior. There a 25 ways to meet these needs. One of the most effective is to spend regular one-on-one time with your child doing what your child wants to do. How do you spell love? T-I-M-E. It seems counter-intuitive, but just try it for a week. Do this for 1/2 hour every day for a week. See what happens.

Frustrated Confused Parent, I went through similar challenges with my son when he was in high school. As a grade school student his grades were always B and higher. The changes began when his mother and I separated; my son was 12yo. Prior to our separation I was the one who maintained, and enforced the habit of completing his assignments before extracurricular activities could be enjoyed. His mother never felt she had the patience or intelligence to assist him with his homework assignments and upon our separation she completely ignored his school work. Although he continued to follow the structure I had established through grade school, he soon began to realize that no one was showing interest any longer and, thus, began shirking school related responsibilities. My son and I were, and still are, close. I am certain that the separation likely had some affect on him, but it was more than that. He was reaching his teens and becoming more self-aware. Friends began to play a more integral and influential part in his life. Unfortunately my son's grades began slipping as he reached his early teens. For me, this was extremely frustrating since I was aware of how intelligent he was and of what he was capable. After many aggravating, lengthy, heated, and unyielding conversations with his mother about maintaining the structure established through grade school, it became clear she was incapable or simply unwilling. Essentially, he was on his own. Of course I would do whatever I could to help. For starters, I facilitated a transfer to a Charter School, realizing that he needed more individualized attention than that which a public school could provide. It seemed as though he was getting 'lost in the shuffle'.

Unfortunately the damage had already been done. After two years under his mother's lack of tutelage my son had developed some poor habits.

He struggled with maintaining good grades throughout his high school career. By 'maintaining good grades' I mean that he would take a grading of 45 in math and bring it to a 70 within three weeks of the end of a marking period. He ALWAYS passed, though. He would somehow get his grades to or even above passing by the end of the period. As I began to see this, I began to have more faith knowing that when the going got tough he would step up and take charge. It also indicated that he did well with what might perceive as an impossible goal. So, I started to have faith that he'd find his way.

He has since graduated, he has a good-paying job, and he is beginning school to become an electrician within the next month or so. In two weeks he moves into his own apartment, also. He's never done drugs, never drank alcohol, and never started smoking cigarettes. All of which I have done as a teen and well into my adult years. I am in recovery. My son is aware of my own struggles. Most importantly, I believe, is that he has a complete understanding that we all struggle in our own ways. Working through the difficulties, challenges, and obstacles are what makes us stronger and it's our compassion for others, and ourselves, which help us grow into decent adults.

I came to realize that the 'grades' he received in school had nothing to do with the amazing adult he's become; it was literally everything else.

NanaRound2 My 6 year old grandson has just taken 2 hours to write a list and write 3 sentences. He thinks if the words were shorter it wouldn't take so long. Already went through this with his dad. I celebrated more than he did when he graduated. Can't drag More another kid through school. Losing my mind and like the previous comment have tried EVERYTHING.

Yeah -been there, done that. Doesn't work. At least not for my child. I've read every *actual* parenting book out there ( You know, the books publishes by Harvard & Stanford professors who've been studying parenting and child psychology for the past 30 years?) ... and you're all missing something - because I've tried it all.

My kid DGAF. This was almost painful to read. "oh, yup - tried that one. That one too. Oh, hey - I've tried that as well."

This is so frustrating; tell me something I haven't already tried 50 times.

Psych Fan I'm with you my sophomore son DGAF . I tried so much stuff even set time stuff and he just doesn't go get his work out. He's 5'9 so I am 5'1 and I can't move him to do stuff . All he does is debate with me that More Grades really don't matter that he's like I'm just going to get D's because I'm not going to care to do better because I do not like school. He doesn't understand why I don't approve of D grades because I know he has better potential but he's like D grades I will pass and get my diploma .

The first thing on the list is to try and stay calm. While doing homework with my children I'm usually very calm. When I do get frustrated I'll leave the room for a moment, wash my face, and take a few deep breaths until I calm down. Or I'll make hot chocolate to help calm my nerves. It's not a perfect system, but what is?

Number two is to set clear expectations around homework time and responsibilities. We have a standard homework time at our house, with a timer and everything. If our kids meet the homework time goal they'll be rewarded later in the evening with family time. Each of our kids know their roles and responsibilities in the house whether the work gets done before dinner or not.

Number three is a relationship with the teachers, each of whom e-mail us, some two or three times a day. Contact with them has never been better. They're teachers are all pretty awesome too.

Number Four, play the parental role most useful to your child...I have three kids. One needs no help at all, one needs minor help and advisement, while the third requires constant supervision or their e-mail might 'accidentally' open up. This we've provided through double teaming. One parent works with them until the other gets home, then they switch while the other goes to make dinner.

Five, keep activities similar with all your kids. We all live on the same schedule, if one of them finishes homework early they get the reward of extra quiet reading time-my kids are ALL book worms.

Six, Set up a structured time and place for homework. Done. Homework table with a supplies basket right in the middle of the room. Big enough for all of them to work at and then some, it's an octagonal table which my husband built. I also always have their 'homework snacks' waiting for them when they get home, and I usually try to make it healthy-even if they don't realize it.

Seven, start early. My kids have been doing 'homework' with me since they were babies, and (as I pointed out to them yesterday) they loved it. We'd learn about cooking, dinosaurs, amphibians, insects, math, English, chemistry, even the periodic table came up. We'd do work pages every day and they'd love it.

Eight, hurdle help, works in area's like math, but not so much with history or English when the problems aren't as straight forward. But we do use this method where it applies.

Nine, choose the best person for the job. I'm best at English and my husband at math. When I get stuck on math I know who to go to, and I'll even study in my spare time to get better at it so I can be more useful in case he has to work late. That being said, we both devote a lot of our time to helping our kids with their homework.

Ten, show empathy and support. Done, not only can I relate to my kids, but I've pointed out that not getting their work done will make them feel bad bad enough, and that that's why we should work on getting it done together, so they have something to be proud of.

Use positive reinforcement and incentives. :) There was this one time I sat my son down at a table with a work book about 400 pages long. He was young, not even in school yet. Next to the book I placed a giant bag of M&Ms. I told him for every page he got done, he could have one m&m. About ten minutes later he finished the workbook and grinned up at me. When I found out he'd finished the book, I quickly checked it to see if it was done well, and then pushed the bag of M&M's towards him and told him he could just have it...Now they get rewarded in video games and computer time...

It seems that according to this article I'm doing everything right...So why is my child still struggling with homework/classwork? They've literally just refused to do it. Have seriously just sat in their chair without saying a word and stared at the table, or desk, or screen- as the majority of work is now done on computers...I'll sit with them, ask them if they need help, try to help them with problems. They will tell me the right answer to the questions being asked and then refuse to write it down. I feel like I've done everything I can as a parent to help them, but despite all my efforts, it isn't working. So...when all of these things fail, when a parent has done everything right, and there is nothing more they can do short of taking the pen or pencil into their own hands and doing it themselves, (but that would be cheating their child out of an education) what then should the parents do?

When our kids don't get their homework done before dinner, they're sent down the hall where it's quiet so they can finish it at the desk there, while the other kids have family time. They are told to come and get us if they really need help after that. But at this point it's like ostracizing our child for not doing homework.

I agree with most of what's on this page, and our family lifestyle reflects that, but I will disagree with one thing it said. It is our job to help our kids and be supportive of them yes, to nurture them and help them get the skills they need to take care of themselves and their home when they're older...but it is not our job to do the teachers work for them, they get paid for that. Some days it seems like that's what's expected of parents. Some even send home classwork if the kids don't finish it in class. Which means the child now has even more work to do on top of their homework. Though I understand that the teachers want the child to finish the lesson, and were the homework not a factor I probably wouldn't mind it as much. I don't even mind them sending home study guides to help kids before tests (Which is what homework was originally) but to send home overwhelming piles of work each night for parents to help kids with, (Each child with different homework so that parents need to bounce from history, to math to English) it's unreasonable. When teachers send home homework, they're dictating what the parents can do with the little time they have with their child. Which is wrong. We once had to cancel a trip to a science museum because our child had too much homework to finish and there was no way to make it in time and get their homework done. They could have had an amazing educational experience which would overall help them get excited about learning with new and fun tactile experiences, but their schedule (and therefore our schedule) was being dictated by the teacher while they weren't even in class. Of course I try not to talk bad about homework in front of my children, because that would make it even more difficult to get them to do it. But children NEED family time, they NEED to be kids. To be allowed to get away from their work and be themselves, to go outside and play with their friends, or even go out to dinner once in a while with their parents. Homework has made it difficult to grow a relationship with our children beyond the confines of what the teachers are dictating. It's violating in some ways and frustrating in others. It's grown into this monstrous thing which it was never meant to become, and the funny part about it is that most studies done on it show that schools who don't have homework have higher test scores and graduation rates. Not to mention better mental health rates. Studies also show, that after a child is taught something, they'll only really learn it after a good nights sleep, and that no amount of homework will change that. Sleep is what our bodies need to absorb important information we learn throughout the day, so staying up late with homework might even be harmful to a child's education...

Sorry I guess that turned into a bit of a rant...In the end I was hoping to find something useful in this article, something I hadn't tried that might work, but I've done it all, and will probably continue to do all of it in hopes that consistency might be the key...It's just that even after years of already doing All of this consistently, it's still not working. It's as if my child has made a conscious decision Not to work. He's not unintelligent, he understands it, he's even been tested and found to have an above average ability to learn. He just not doing it..So what now? What more can I do to actually inspire him to do the work?

AshumSmashum Out of all of this, most of which I've read and tried a billion times, your comment hit deeper. My son scores in the 99% on tests but cannot sit down and do the simplest homework. He does have autism and adhd so when he freezes up on homework, despite More knowing it, I'm lost at how to help him get it done. He knows the work so why does he need to show it with 20 math problems after school that take forever to complete one? (whatever honors algebra stuff he's in, I was lucky to learn division lol) He has a high IQ and excels in all subjects and yet is being tutored, so far, in English just to get the work done. I'm so done with the emotional toll it takes on me and him at home. Nobody wants to go to work for 8 hours and come home and do the same for another 5 so why do we think our kids want to come home and do more classwork? I'm so appreciative of your comment!

JC Hi Barb, thank you for bringing this up! My son sounds a lot like you...and he really wants to get good grades and go to an Ivy League school. What could someone do to help an 8th grader in the moment of struggle, while making sure they don't get more More anxious from falling behind for the rest of the year?

Tb Hi Barb, I'm the parent of an 8th grader and I want to thank you for the comment you left here. You helped me look at the deeper issues and I really appreciate that. I'm going to approach the conversation with my son differently, thanks to you. Thank More you!

My 11 year old daughter, Alice, has always helped her 7 year old sister, Chole, with homework. But just recently Alice has been giving Chole the wrong answers. We have been trying to get her to give Chole the correct answers

but she always yells at us. She has a baby sister 2 months named Ray and ever since Ray was born she has been giving Chole wrong answers. I once overheard her and Kevin, my husband, talking about how she felt left out. She came and talked to me and said exactly what she had told Kevin. She also told me she has been getting bad grades and doesn't get her homework. Me and Alice talked and she said "All the cool New York girls get straight A's and ever since I started getting D's and F's they said I wasn't cool anymore." We started having her grandparents come over and she would yell, hit, scream, and talk back to them. She is a great student but she spends all of her time on her phone. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, and even at school she is on her phone. All I'm asking is that 1. How do I make her stop screaming, yelling, hitting, and back talking? 2. How do I make her feel cool and get A's again?and 3. How do I get her off her phone?

sounds like you have a number of concerns around your daughter’s behavior, and

it certainly can feel overwhelming. We would suggest https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/its-never-too-late-7-ways-to-start-parenting-more-effectively/ and focusing on just one or two of the most serious, to get

started. Behaviors like verbal or physical abuse would be of top priority,

while behaviors like https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/how-to-walk-away-from-a-fight-with-your-child-why-its-harder-than-you-think/ we would recommend ignoring, and not giving it any power or control.

Empowering Parents author Sara Bean offers some great insight into the reason

for poor child behavior in her article, https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/the-surprising-reason-for-bad-child-behavior-i-cant-solve-problems/.It sounds like your daughter is struggling to

find more effective ways to solve the problems she is facing, and the result is

the acting out behavior. Keep in mind, you can’t make your daughter do anything, but what you can do is help her to

learn better tools to solve whatever problems may come her way. Best of luck to

you and your family as you continue to work on this.

Emma Reed Alice also swears at school and she swears to teachers. Please we have tried everything, even her sister at age 18. What have we done wrong?

Being away from loved ones when they are struggling can be

distressing. It may help to know that it’s not unusual to see changes in

behavior as kids move from the tweens into adolescence, as Janet Lehman

explains in the article https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/adolescent-behavior-changes-is-your-child-embarrassed-by-you/. Normally responsible

kids can start to push back against meeting expectations and disrespect towards

parents and other authority figures can become quite common. The behavior you

describe isn’t OK; it is normal though. I can hear how much you want to help

your daughter and granddaughter

work through these challenges. If your daughter is open to it, you could share

some Empowering Parents articles with her, such as the one above and this one, https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/my-childs-behavior-is-so-bad-where-do-i-begin-how-to-coach-your-child-forward/.

We appreciate you writing in. Best of luck to you and your family moving

forward. Take care.

mphyvr Thanks for all these "strategies", they might work for some parents, but quite simplistic and just plain old common sense for more defiant kids... Thanks anyways and hope this article helps many.

Psych Fan I'm a mom of a sophomore he's also a swearing boy and will have quite a tantrum even with consequences of take away all he does is sleep. He doesn't like school says school is a waste of time and that grades won't matter in his adulthood . He says More it over n over about how schooling won't help him in the future as I go it will help you do good on a ACT and SAT he is like getting good scores on those are only good if your going to college. He also is like jobs won't look at my grades . I tell him homework teaches him responsibility once a job sees your amount of effort in school your going to have a heck of time getting hired. I even ask him how is he going to succeed to work real well at a job when he doesn't work hard at school he goes I don't need to work hard at school but I will need to work hard at a job.

dcastillo68 If it was only this simple, but, in reality it is not.  Middle school syndrome is the worst.  Kids don't want to be labeled as nerds so they do everything to try to fail.  I went through that with my first born, and now again with my youngest.  It is More very frustrating when I was the total opposite when I was growing up.  I cared about my grades an I took it for granted thinking they will feel the same way.  Now seeing how they are happy with just getting by is really frustrating to me because I am such an over achiever.  They didn't even get an ounce of this.  Very very frustrating.  And I wish I have never invited video games to this household.  That is all they want to do.  I keep using this an incentive to bring them back on track, but as soon as I give them their games back, they are back to their old habits.  Sorry, but I can't wait until they are finished with school and hopefully moving out of state to hopefully a college career.  I may change my mind later, but at the moment, this is just how I feel.  It is very hard too when you don't get any help.  I find today's teacher to be lazy and pushing on more responsibility to the parents.  Who has time to do a full day's of work, only to do additional work at home?  okay, enough venting.

@frustrated single dad Diane Lewis Hi there - I have a son adopted out of foster care.  He is 6 1/2 and has been in 5 homes.  He is totally the same!  They learn this behavior and are incredibly manipulative.  They are so insanely smart.  I worry about exactly the same thing.  They turn on and off the behavior depending on who they are with and what they want.

We did Parent Child Interactive Therapy (PCIT) at the Mailman Center (Jackson Hospital Miami).  It made a huge difference in the short-term.  They basically taught us to be full-time behavioral therapists with my son.  The effects wore off after a few months as my son adapted and found ways to circumvent the consequences techniques taught to us.  He is like the Borg!  I am going back to get more ideas on how to adapt and change and stay one step ahead of my son.  The gals there are really smart!

So, that being said - we have to be Jean Luc Picard and constantly change and adapt and outsmart them - just like changing the phasers on a laser gun!  It is bloody hard work.  And, harder the older they get -

eg.  He drops like a dead weight - throws his book bag and will not get in the car to go to school - response - next morning I headed it off by calling out to the kids "LAST ONE IN THE CAR IS A ROTTEN EGG!"  This has worked for 2 days now.  

Wont do homework 2 nights ago - response - "ooh I like doing word puzzles - Im going to do them and win" - this worked one night but not the next - he just then just left me to do his work - so I have told his teacher that there will be no school party for Alex next week unless he gets his homework finished - we will see if this works.....

It is totally exhausting and you have to be on your A game all the time.  Im telling you this but - I have to tell myself this too.  We have to stay really fit (like cross fit) and work out like a marine.  We have to be very disciplined with ourselves - a healthy body is a healthy mind - we cannot let up at all.  We have to stay calm at all times (again self discipline).  

Im always looking for concrete reactions to situations with my son.  Like I said - the entire day goes on like this with everything except what he wants to do.  Wont get dressed in the morning - put out his clothes in dining room where there are no distractions or toys - tell him that if he gets dressed and ready for school quickly - he can spend the left over time on the trampoline.  That worked this morning.

STAY STRONG MY BROTHER IN ARMS!!!  If you can get into a PCIT program - do it.

Love to you - R

My child comes home and says he doesn't have homework, does something easy to make it look like he's doing his homework, or says he did it during free time in class.  How do you combat this without going to the school everyday?  Neither my husband nor I can do More this because of work, and the we asked the teacher's if it was possible to send us the assignments via email or let us come pick them up once a week with no cooperation.  He is a very smart kid and gets "A's' on the work he does, but he is failing all of his core classes because he won't do homework.

@atmywitsend  , my child is the same way.  I'm at my wits end.  I feel like I'm a failure as a parent because I thought I taught my smart kid to succeed - and instead she's lying to me.

Psych Fan NinaMays I'm with the same feelings as my son can be above a C student but he choose to go oh I rather just get F's on this work than to actually get at least a B or A on these many assignments.. I ask him why he chooses F's More in many assignments when he could get a grade to bring his grades up and me telling me he's not being his full potential as by making him not do his work how can I truly believe he's going to be successful and he's like I have big brains . Then I'm like why not show me by doing your school work he goes I don't need do that and I show you of my big brains by telling you school isn't important. Telling me I am brainwashed. He is a sophomore in high school.

FRUSTRATED PARENT NinaMays This is my reality too - "relationship" with teachers is difficult when they won't co-operate with homework expectations, or follow up email - the schools complain that kids are on the internet - yet its them providing wifi passwords - so kids are playing in class - lying about More homework - and since I'm not in the class, I have no idea until report cards surface.

Responses to questions posted on EmpoweringParents.com are not intended to replace qualified medical or mental health assessments. We cannot diagnose disorders or offer recommendations on which treatment plan is best for your family. Please seek the support of local resources as needed. If you need immediate assistance, or if you and your family are in crisis, please contact a qualified mental health provider in your area, or contact your statewide crisis hotline.

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• 1. The Homework Battle: How to Get Children to Do Homework
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• 3. Acting Out in School: When Your Child is the Class Troublemaker
• 4. Young Kids in School: Help for the Top 4 Behavior Problems
• 5. When Your Child Has Problems at School: 6 Tips for Parents
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7 Research-Based Reasons Why Students Should Not Have Homework: Academic Insights, Opposing Perspectives & Alternatives

The push against homework is not just about the hours spent on completing assignments; it’s about rethinking the role of education in fostering the well-rounded development of young individuals. Critics argue that homework, particularly in excessive amounts, can lead to negative outcomes such as stress, burnout, and a diminished love for learning. Moreover, it often disproportionately affects students from disadvantaged backgrounds, exacerbating educational inequities. The debate also highlights the importance of allowing children to have enough free time for play, exploration, and family interaction, which are crucial for their social and emotional development.

Checking 13yo’s math homework & I have just one question. I can catch mistakes & help her correct. But what do kids do when their parent isn’t an Algebra teacher? Answer: They get frustrated. Quit. Get a bad grade. Think they aren’t good at math. How is homework fair??? — Jay Wamsted (@JayWamsted) March 24, 2022

As we delve into this discussion, we explore various facets of why reducing or even eliminating homework could be beneficial. We consider the research, weigh the pros and cons, and examine alternative approaches to traditional homework that can enhance learning without overburdening students.

Once you’ve finished this article, you’ll know:

Insights from Teachers and Education Industry Experts: Diverse Perspectives on Homework

Here are the insights and opinions from various experts in the educational field on this topic:

“I teach 1st grade. I had parents ask for homework. I explained that I don’t give homework. Home time is family time. Time to play, cook, explore and spend time together. I do send books home, but there is no requirement or checklist for reading them. Read them, enjoy them, and return them when your child is ready for more. I explained that as a parent myself, I know they are busy—and what a waste of energy it is to sit and force their kids to do work at home—when they could use that time to form relationships and build a loving home. Something kids need more than a few math problems a week.” — Colleen S. , 1st grade teacher

“The lasting educational value of homework at that age is not proven. A kid says the times tables [at school] because he studied the times tables last night. But over a long period of time, a kid who is drilled on the times tables at school, rather than as homework, will also memorize their times tables. We are worried about young children and their social emotional learning. And that has to do with physical activity, it has to do with playing with peers, it has to do with family time. All of those are very important and can be removed by too much homework.” — David Bloomfield , education professor at Brooklyn College and the City University of New York graduate center

“Homework in primary school has an effect of around zero. In high school it’s larger. (…) Which is why we need to get it right. Not why we need to get rid of it. It’s one of those lower hanging fruit that we should be looking in our primary schools to say, ‘Is it really making a difference?’” — John Hattie , professor

”Many kids are working as many hours as their overscheduled parents and it is taking a toll – psychologically and in many other ways too. We see kids getting up hours before school starts just to get their homework done from the night before… While homework may give kids one more responsibility, it ignores the fact that kids do not need to grow up and become adults at ages 10 or 12. With schools cutting recess time or eliminating playgrounds, kids absorb every single stress there is, only on an even higher level. Their brains and bodies need time to be curious, have fun, be creative and just be a kid.” — Pat Wayman, teacher and CEO of HowtoLearn.com

7 Reasons Why Students Should Not Have Homework

Let’s delve into the reasons against assigning homework to students. Examining these arguments offers important perspectives on the wider educational and developmental consequences of homework practices.

1. Elevated Stress and Health Consequences

This data paints a concerning picture. Students, already navigating a world filled with various stressors, find themselves further burdened by homework demands. The direct correlation between excessive homework and health issues indicates a need for reevaluation. The goal should be to ensure that homework if assigned, adds value to students’ learning experiences without compromising their health and well-being.

2. Inequitable Impact and Socioeconomic Disparities

Moreover, the approach to homework varies significantly across different types of schools. While some rigorous private and preparatory schools in both marginalized and affluent communities assign extreme levels of homework, many progressive schools focusing on holistic learning and self-actualization opt for no homework, yet achieve similar levels of college and career success. This contrast raises questions about the efficacy and necessity of heavy homework loads in achieving educational outcomes.

3. Negative Impact on Family Dynamics

The issue is not confined to specific demographics but is a widespread concern. Samantha Hulsman, a teacher featured in Education Week Teacher , shared her personal experience with the toll that homework can take on family time. She observed that a seemingly simple 30-minute assignment could escalate into a three-hour ordeal, causing stress and strife between parents and children. Hulsman’s insights challenge the traditional mindset about homework, highlighting a shift towards the need for skills such as collaboration and problem-solving over rote memorization of facts.

4. Consumption of Free Time

Authors Sara Bennett and Nancy Kalish , in their book “The Case Against Homework,” offer an insightful window into the lives of families grappling with the demands of excessive homework. They share stories from numerous interviews conducted in the mid-2000s, highlighting the universal struggle faced by families across different demographics. A poignant account from a parent in Menlo Park, California, describes nightly sessions extending until 11 p.m., filled with stress and frustration, leading to a soured attitude towards school in both the child and the parent. This narrative is not isolated, as about one-third of the families interviewed expressed feeling crushed by the overwhelming workload.

5. Challenges for Students with Learning Disabilities

In conclusion, the conventional homework paradigm needs reevaluation, particularly concerning students with learning disabilities. By understanding and addressing their unique challenges, educators can create a more inclusive and supportive educational environment. This approach not only aids in their academic growth but also nurtures their confidence and overall development, ensuring that they receive an equitable and empathetic educational experience.

6. Critique of Underlying Assumptions about Learning

7. issues with homework enforcement, reliability, and temptation to cheat, addressing opposing views on homework practices, 1. improvement of academic performance, 2. reinforcement of learning, 3. development of time management skills, 4. preparation for future academic challenges, 5. parental involvement in education, exploring alternatives to homework and finding a middle ground, alternatives to traditional homework, ideas for minimizing homework, useful resources, leave a comment cancel reply.

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Logical Consequences: Guiding Children Towards Better Choices

• September 19, 2011
• Therapists at Jonah Green and Associates

Many parents have heard that “logical consequences” are an effective parenting tool. Perhaps because the word “consequence” is often misused as a synonym for “punishment”, some parents express confusion as to the nature of logical consequences, how to apply them, and their purpose. The following questions and answers offer some clarity.

What are logical consequences?

Logical consequences are results that parents set up to educate children that are connected to choices that the children make. For instance, if a child chooses to talk on the phone instead of doing his homework, he might not be allowed to use the phone that day. Using the phone to avoid a productive activity resulted in not being allowed to use it; hence, the consequence is a “logical” outcome of the choice.

Why use logical consequences?

In addition to improving behavior, a program of logical consequences can lead children to make more effective choices and decisions, and may even result in greater self-confidence. In combination with other efforts, it can also help strengthen partnerships between parents and children and contribute to a more orderly and respectful family life.

What is the difference between logical consequences and punishment?

Because logical consequences are intended to help children grow and develop, the focus is on the child’s choices. If a child acts up at dinner and a parent applies a logical consequence, the parent might say respectfully, “All this noise makes it difficult for us to enjoy our meal. Would you like to stay and be calmer or be done with dinner for tonight?” The intent of punishment, in contrast, is usually to make a child comply with adults’ wishes, so the focus is generally on the actions that the adult imposes on the child. A parent applying punishment to the acting-up child might yell ““Go to your room!”

Although both punishment and logical consequences can lead to better behavior in the short term, long-term effects on the child and the parent-child relationship tend to be very different. Punishment may leave a child feeling helpless, humiliated, or resentful. When a child makes choices that lead to logical consequences, he often feels more capable and confident.

I’ve also heard about “natural consequences”; how are they different from logical consequences?

Like logical consequences, natural consequences stem from children’s choices, but they occur without the assistance of adult intervention. For instance, if a child does not apply himself when working on a project for school, he might get poor marks on it. Adults can help children learn from natural consequences principally by not protecting children them from them; in the above example, a parent can help a child experience the effects of his limited effort by refraining from doing the child’s work (although he might work with the child to help him manage his time better).

What is the best way of administering logical consequences?

Logical consequences work best if they arise as a result of a collaborative dialogue between parents and children, preferably in advance of any misbehavior. These discussions are most effective when preaching or moralizing is minimized, and choices and consequences are discussed matter-of-factly.

In applying a consequence, it is important to demonstrate respect for the child’s choice, even if it may be one that the parent did not want the child to make. If a parent and child have agreed that a child can either come home on time or not go out for a week, and the child comes home late, the parent might say “I see you decided to stay out late rather than go out this coming week” in a respectful and non-judgmental manner. The parent utilizes the consequence itself rather than any verbal “lesson” to lead the child towards better choices in the future.

What are some more examples of logical consequences?

While each household is unique, the following examples should give a flavor of the nature of logical consequences. Notice that the choices are emphasized first, and that the positive as well as the negative results are spelled out.

–A child can choose to get up on time and then stay up later, or get up late and go to bed earlier that night. –A child can choose to eat breakfast and eat a variety of foods, or miss breakfast and pack a healthy snack. –A child can choose to do his homework before or after supper; if he does not do his homework, he does it right after school the next day. –A child can choose an afterschool activity; if child does not choose an after school activity, the parent offers a list of choices; if the child does not choose, the parent signs the child up for one.

What happens if the child does not ‘”choose” any of the agreed upon options?

Sometimes children choose actions not on the “menu” that parents and children have agreed upon. In instances such as these, if a parent refrains from immediately reacting and revisits the issue later, he can preserve the collaborative nature of the enterprise and still set a more effective limit. For instance, in an example from above, if a child “grabs” an unhealthy food on the way out the door even though he did not eat breakfast, the parent might refrain from grabbing the food item back. When the child returns home, the parent might note the child’s choice, and maintain that unhealthy foods need to be locked away until trust is rebuilt.

What other approaches might parents use in combination with logical consequences?

Logical consequences work best in an atmosphere where a child feels loved, respected, supported, and appreciated. Noticing a child’s efforts, showing confidence in his or her abilities, respectfully offering guidance, and making an effort to listen and understand his or her thoughts and feelings all help create such an atmosphere, and make logical consequences that much more effective.

-Posted by Jonah Green

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Appropriate Consequences for Student Misbehavior

Logical Responses for Student Behavior Problems

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Students will misbehave in class. Teachers may not be able to stop all forms of misbehavior before they start. However, educators do have control over their reactions to student behavioral issues. Therefore, teachers should choose their responses wisely, making sure that they are appropriate and logical. The old adage, "the punishment must fit the crime," is especially true in a classroom setting. If a teacher enforces an illogical response, students will learn less than if the response directly relates to the situation, or they might miss out on important information being taught in class that day.

Following are a series of situations that illustrate appropriate classroom responses to help establish behavior management . These are not the only appropriate responses, but they do show the difference between appropriate and inappropriate consequences.

A Student Uses a Cellphone During Class

• Appropriate: Tell the student to put the phone away.
• Inappropriate: Ignore the phone use or continue to ask the student to put the phone away during the class period or throughout the day.

A cellphone policy should be clearly stated in the student handbook and reviewed with students whenever there is an infraction. Teachers should report to the office and/or parents that the student is a repeat offender.

Some districts have specific rules regarding cellphone use, such as a warning on the first occurrence of cellphone use during class time, confiscation of the phone until the end of class or day on the second offense (at which point the student can retrieve the phone), and confiscation with a call to parents to pick up the phone after a third offense. Some districts even forbid the student from bringing the phone to school after a third offense. In other districts, teachers are allowed to choose how to deal with cellphone misuse. For example, some teachers have a hanging pocket chart to hold cellphones or even a cellphone "jail" (bucket or container), where students who misuse their cellphones deposit the distracting objects until the end of class or school day.

Rosalind Wiseman, writing on the website of Common Sense Education, an education advocacy group, says that teachers and schools need to plan for device use that considers digital citizenship and student safety. Regardless, digital devices like cellphones should only be used in class when there are specific goals in mind, such as critical thinking exercises or collaboration.

A Student Comes Late to Class

• Appropriate: A warning for the first offense, with increasing consequences for further tardies
• Inappropriate: The teacher ignores the situation, and the student has no consequences for the tardiness.

Tardiness is a big deal, especially if left unchecked. Students who come late to class "can disrupt the flow of a lecture or discussion, distract other students, impede learning, and generally erode class morale," says the Eberly Center at Carnegie Melon University. Indeed, left unchecked, tardiness can become a classwide problem, says the center, which focuses on improving teaching practices.

Teachers should have a tardy policy in place to deal with problem tardies. Hero, a firm that helps schools and districts manage tardies and attendance digitally, says a good tardy policy should include a structured series of consequences, such as the following:

• First tardy: warning
• Second tardy: more urgent warning
• Third tardy: detention, such as a half-hour to an hour after school
• Fourth tardy: a longer detention or two detention sessions
• Fifth tardy: Saturday school

Having a daily warmup exercise is one way to give students an immediate benefit for coming to class on time. One note of caution: A student who is frequently tardy could build up a large number of zeros for not completing the warmup activity. In this case, the activity could be used for extra credit points. There is a difference between grading for ability and grading for behavior.

A Student Does Not Bring Their Homework

• Appropriate: Depending on the school policy, the student could lose points off their homework assignment . The student could also receive a lower rating in academic behavior.
• Inappropriate: A lack of homework results in the student failing the class.

By definition, students do homework outside of the control of the classroom. For this reason, many schools do not penalize missing homework. If teachers grade only in-class or summative assessments (an assessment that measures what the student has learned), then the grade accurately reflects what students know. However, keeping track of homework for completion can be valuable information to share with parents. The National Education Association suggests that all stakeholders—teachers, parents, and students—work together to set homework policies, stating:

"Policies should address the purposes of homework; amount and frequency; school and teacher responsibilities; student responsibilities; and, the role of parents or others who assist students with homework."

A Student Does Not Have Materials Needed for Class

• Appropriate: The teacher provides the student with a pen or pencil in exchange for collateral. For example, the teacher might hold on to one of the student's shoes to ensure that the pen or pencil is returned at the end of the class.
• Inappropriate: The student does not have materials and cannot participate.

Students cannot finish any classwork without materials. Extra equipment (such as paper, a pencil, or a calculator) or other basic supplies should be available in class.

A Student Does Not have Their Book in Class

• Appropriate: The student does not have a textbook during the lesson for the day.
• Inappropriate: The teacher gives the student a textbook to use without comment.

If textbooks are required in the day-to-day classroom, it is important for students to remember to bring them. Textbooks present a different issue than basic supplies like pencils, paper, or calculators, which are generally inexpensive, often provided as part of classroom budget, and easy to lend or give to students who may have forgotten them. By contrast, it is a rare situation where a teacher will have more than a couple of extra textbooks in the class. If students accidentally take an extra text with them, the teacher will most likely have lost that text forever.

A Student Blurts Out Answers

• Appropriate: The teacher does not respond to students who call out without raising their hands and does not call on them.
• Inappropriate: The teacher allows individuals to answer without having to raise their hands.

Requiring students to raise their hands is an important part of wait time and effective questioning techniques. Having students wait three to five seconds before calling on one of them to answer can actually help increase thinking time—the time a student spends actually thinking about an answer instead of just giving an offhand response. If a teacher does not continuously uphold this rule—making students raise their hands and wait to be called on—then they will no longer raise their hands in class. Chaos will result.

A Student Uses a Curse Word in Class

• Appropriate: The teacher reprimands the student saying, "Do not use that language."
• Inappropriate: The teacher ignores the curse word.

Profanity should have no place in the classroom. If a teacher ignores its use, students will take note and continue to use curse words in class. Realize that if the profanity was used against someone else in the class, a form of bullying or harassment, the consequences should be greater than if a curse word just slips out. Record the event.

• " Hero Whitepaper Series: Best Practices for Tardy Management " herok12.com.
• Mulvahill, Elizabeth. “ Cell Phones in Class Driving You Nuts? Try One of These Clever Ideas .”  WeAreTeachers , 9 Sept. 2019.
• " Policies: Examples of Middle School 'Away For The Day' Cell Phone Policies ." awayfortheday.org.
• “ Research Spotlight on Homework .”  NEA , www.nea.org.
• " Students Come to Class Late ." Eberly Center - Carnegie Mellon University.
• Wiseman, Rosalind. “ Creating a Cellphone Policy That Works for Everyone .”  Common Sense Education , Common Sense Education, 25 Oct. 2019.
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Teaching students about the diagram of the human body, teaching students about organic form, teaching students about justinian and theodora, michael williams, u.n.c. reports declines in black and hispanic enrollment, educationusa higher education fair 2024, internationalisation experts debate approaches to war in gaza, campus sustainability, research and teaching excellence, 21 ways to support students who have trouble finishing homework tasks.

Are you looking for ways to support students who have trouble finishing homework tasks? If so, keep reading.

1. Urge the learner to create an understanding of the consequences of their behavior by writing down or talking through problems that may happen due to their failure to finish homework tasks (e.g., if they do not finish the homework task , their grade may drop, then they may not be able to take part in extracurricular learning activities ).

2. Give the learner a book bag, backpack, etc., to take homework tasks and learning materials to and from home.

3. Give a reinforcing learning experience at the beginning of the day/class period, contingent upon the conclusion and return of homework tasks .

4. Get the learner to organize tasks by dividing them into small segments. Get the learner to set deadlines and reward themselves after finishing each segment of the task.

5. Get the learner to create a chart to follow that will let them finish all tasks.

6. Create an environmental setting for the classroom that promotes optimal individual performance (e.g., quiet room, background music, fresh air, etc.).

7. Urge the parents to make positive remarks about school and the importance of finishing homework.

8. Give time at school for homework conclusion when the learner cannot be successful in performing tasks at home.

9. Indicate what is to be done for the conclusion of the homework task (e.g., indicate definite starting and stopping points, indicate the minimum requirements, etc.).

10. Get the learner to question any directions, explanations, or instructions not grasped.

11. Let logical consequences happen for failure to finish homework tasks (e.g., learners who do not finish their homework will not take part in more desirable learning activities ).

12. Give the learner written instructions for doing homework tasks .

13. Provide the parents with information appropriate for them to help the learner with homework (e.g., what the tasks are and Learning Interventions: Strategies to help with the tasks).

14. Urge the learner to reward themselves (e.g., a ten-minute break, speak briefly with a relative, telephone a friend, etc.) for concentrating on a task for a specific length of time.

15. Let the learner perform a highly desirable task when homework has been turned in to the teacher.

16. Get the learner to place notes in highly visible areas (e.g., refrigerator door, bathroom door, front door, etc.) to remind the learner to return homework tasks to school.

17. Let the learner perform alternative homework tasks . As the learner shows success, slowly present more components of the regular homework task until the tasks are routinely performed and returned to school.

18. Make sure the learner knows that homework tasks not finished and turned in to the teacher will have to be finished during other times (e.g., break time, leisure time, before/after school, etc.).

19. Complete a few problems of the homework task with the learner to serve as a model and start the learner on the task.

20. Get the learner to enlist the help of a relative, friend, etc., to remind them of homework tasks .

21. Consider using an education app to help the student sharpen their organizational skills. Click here to view a list of apps that we recommend .

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What To Do When a Student Refuses to Work

October 15, 2018 by pathway2success 47 Comments

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Throughout my years teaching middle school, I have had the experience of seeing many “work refusals”. These are the situations when kids, for a variety of reasons, just refuse to start the work you give them. They might shut down and rest their head on their desk or lash out in anger, shouting about how they just will not complete your assignment. This can be extremely frustrating for educators, especially when teaching a well-designed lesson that you thought would go so well! Let me say that sometimes our lessons themselves can have little or no impact on whether or not a student refuses to work. There are quite often bigger challenges at play that we’ll delve into. Quite honestly, even with a special education background, my college and training did not really prepare me for what to do when students refuse to work. These are skills and strategies I had to develop on the ground running while working with young adults. It’s an area I’m especially passionate about because all kids deserve to learn and feel good about themselves. It’s always important to remember that kids who are refusing are reaching out for help in some way, and you CAN be the one to help them.

Let me say that we ALL have bad days here and there! If a student puts their head down during a lesson and won’t finish an assignment because of a headache, it doesn’t mean you need to sound the alarm. This article specifically focuses on the students who repeatedly refuse to complete work and need specific targeted strategies to help them overcome these challenges.

What does work refusal look like? Really, it can be different for every student. Some students put their heads down and don’t pick them up, despite encouragement and prompting. Other students will look you straight in the eyes and say, “I’m NOT doing it!” while they are clearly expecting a response from you! Other kids might just ignore your directions completely and continue doing what they want to do, whether that is coloring, reading, or any other activity they are engaged in. All of these behaviors are work refusals because they are avoiding doing the tasks that the adult is expecting.

What are the reasons for work refusal? If a student is outwardly refusing to do work in the classroom, there is always a reason. Quite often, we don’t know the individual reasons. Some students have had a history of trauma. Again, we may or may not know about the potential trauma. Other students might be dealing with social or emotional challenges at home or in their personal life. Some examples might include a family divorce, a new baby at home, the death of a family member, and feelings of loneliness with a parent working increased hours. Those truly are just a few small examples. Sometimes, when the challenges in a child’s life become so difficult for them, they can have a need to control parts of their life that they can control (like doing work in school or not). Some learners might be diagnosed with oppositional defiant disorder, while others aren’t. Other times, a child or teen may truly be bored and not interested in the topics. Regardless of the actual reason, it’s important to take a step back and recognize that the child or young adult is struggling with SOMETHING, whether or not we can see it. Thinking in this way encourages educators to be solution-focused, which is what really matters anyway.

Important note: This entire article is intended to be a bank or toolbox of strategies for teachers to consider when kids are struggling. I know that classroom teachers cannot do it all, and they shouldn’t be expected to. Schools need to support educators in these tough situations, and that includes support from admin and other support staff. Additionally, the biggest changes are made when the teachers, families, and the student work together. Please know that if you are dealing with these very challenging classroom situations, I want to have your back, not put more on your plate.

Strategies are meant as supports. They’re interventions and techniques you can put in place to try and work towards your goal of helping the student get back on track. However, strategies are not a magic wand. They might take time to work or some won’t work for your particular learner. And even the most perfect classroom management and support strategies won’t fix every problem or challenge. With all that said, strategies can make a difference for your struggling learner. When you’re not sure what direction to go, they’re worth a try. There is no one-size-fits-all approach, so it is about finding what works for you and your learners. With all that said, I hope you can find some of these strategies and ideas helpful.

Here are some simple do’s and don’ts for kids who refuse to do work:

DON’T:

• Don’t just punish. If a child or young adult is struggling with some social or emotional challenges at the moment, a punishment is only going to push them away further. Your punishment will appear as harsh, mean, and uncaring. I know that educators do not intend for punishments to feel that way, but for many students, they do, including those with trauma in their past. This isn’t to say you should “let the student get away” with any behavior. Instead, you can use logical consequences, which I explain below.
• Don’t send the student out of the room. I can’t stress this enough! As an educator, I know this is sometimes a preferred option because it deals with the situation swiftly. It does not fix the problem, though. In fact, it will most likely make it worse in the long-term. The student might feel anger and resentment towards you. The message you are sending is that you can’t deal with the situation and you need to send the student out to another teacher or the principal. If a student is just sitting at their desk and refusing to work, it should not be a reason to send them out of class. Kids and young adults are getting much more education being in your room and hearing the discussions than being in the principal’s office.
• Don’t get in a power struggle. No one ever wins in a power struggle! So much energy is wasted is wasted and even if the student eventually complies, it will be filled with resentment. Read up on more ways to avoid power struggles .

• Don’t just assume the child is lazy. So many times, it is often actually easier for the child to comply and do their work and refuse. So, it’s clear that there is something else in play. Reframe your thinking to remember that the child is struggling and needs your support.
• Don’t act out of frustration or anger. When you start to feel frustrated due to a child’s behavior, remember this phrase: “He’s not giving me a hard time, he’s having a hard time.” There is no shame in taking a deep breath and walking away from a situation. As adults, it’s important we are calm and collected so we can make the best choices in each situation. It’s okay to feel frustrated with a situation, just don’t act on that frustration.
• Don’t use threats. You might be tempted to say things like, “If you don’t do your work, I’m going to call your parents,” or “Finish this or you can’t go to gym.” Sometimes, these threats can only make a student dig their heels in deeper and you might regret what you’ve said later on. Instead, be mindful about what you say and make sure your consequences fit the crime.
• Don’t embarrass the student. Again, publicly calling the student out might result in a power struggle or escalating the situation. Instead, consider ways to privately support the student to help both of you get what you need.
• Keep teaching. Just because a student doesn’t lift their pencil up, doesn’t mean they’re not listening and learning. Continue teaching, talking, and even involving that student if they want to participate. Remember that the ultimate goal is to educate the student, not force them to work. If they are in the classroom, keep teaching them!

• Give wait time. When a student refuses work at first, sometimes all they need is a little wait time. It’s okay to let them have their head down or keep their arms crossed. Give some time and wait to see if they come around within 5 minutes or so.
• Ignore the small behaviors. If the student crumples up the paper, breaks their pencil, or scribbles all over it, avoid the impulse to tell the student they shouldn’t do that or give any further instructions. When things like this happen, the student is either agitated or attention-seeking. One intervention that will help in this instance is just giving space.
• Be reflective. Consider what you could be doing that might be triggering the student to refuse to work. For example, are you using a harsh tone? Did you embarrass the student by calling them out for something right before? Sometimes, there isn’t anything apparent, but it’s always worth considering first!
• Focus on the relationship. For many kids, relationship is everything. Put the work aside for a bit. Spend time with your student during lunch, talk with them after class, and really just get to know them. Teach them about you as a person, too! Once a relationship is built, many times your students will have a much easier time working for you because they know you care. This isn’t a quick process, but it’s always important and worth it. Read up on more ways to build relationships with kids and young adults .

• Consider learning challenges. Sometimes students refuse work due to social and emotional challenges, but other times it might be because they think the work is just too hard for them. Consider if the student needs interventions with reading, writing, or math. Sometimes learners might even need direction instruction with executive functioning skills to help them get started and work through challenges. If you are a regular educator, consider discussing the student with the special education teacher or interventionist to get some ideas and strategies.
• Meet with the student privately. It’s important that this is seen as supportive and not punitive. Talk to the student, ask them what’s going on, and problem-solve about how you could help. You might say, “I noticed your morning work isn’t being finished, what is going on with that?” When meeting with a student who is struggling to complete work, the most important thing is to just listen! Try to avoid interjecting your own thoughts about what’s happening or giving your point of view. Let the student talk and sometimes you might be amazed at what you learn. Perhaps the student shares that they hate where they sit because someone keeps talking to them, or that they haven’t been getting any sleep at night due to a crying baby. Be open-minded, listen, and be prepared to problem-solve with the student to help them.

• Use logical consequences (and consider them ahead of time). Logical consequences are outcomes from behavior that make sense. For example, if a student is refusing to finish their morning work, a logical consequence would be using some break time later in the day to finish at least 5 problems or sending it home as homework to be done later.
• Discuss those consequences with the student. Consequences shouldn’t be a surprise to your student. Let them know ahead of time in a positive way. For example, you might say to the whole class, “Everyone needs to finish their work so we can finish watching the rest of the movie.”
• Use de-escalation strategies to help calm the situation. In the moment, it can quickly become a power struggle when a student outwardly tells you they are not doing the work. It is critical to know how to de-escalate a situation. My favorite strategy has always been saying, “Let’s talk about this later.” It gives you the perfect way out of a heated situation with a student while letting other students around know you’re not ignoring the behavior, you’re just dealing with it later. Read up on more de-escalation strategies and use this free printable de-escalation strategy worksheet .

• Give choices. For students who struggle with work completion, consider giving limited choices for assignments. Limiting the number to two is usually best so that it’s not overwhelming, but it still gives control and choice. You might say, “Would you rather write about this prompt in your journal or draw a scene from the text and write a sentence about it?”
• Consider reducing work. Another one of my favorite ways to give choice is to allow the student to choose which 10 problems they will finish. Similarly, you might ask the student to complete only 1 of the 3 essay questions. Sometimes educators have argued that this is making it too easy on the student. Of course, the ultimate goal is to get the student back to completing all the work, without a doubt. However, when a student is outright refusing to do work, completing just one item over none is a success. We all have to start somewhere.
• Use student interests. Find out topics the student enjoys doing and learning about. That might be anything: soccer, dirt bikes, drawing, animals, dance, or even a certain television show. The topics and ideas are endless. Then, use bits of those topics in your instruction to hook the learner and help them feel more interested.
• Provide accommodations. Giving accommodations doesn’t necessarily make an assignment easier, it just gives more options for how the student approaches the task. Allow a student struggling with reading to listen to audio books. If a student isn’t writing, allow them access to a laptop. Give out a calculator to a student who gets fatigued with math problems (provided the math skill isn’t calculations themselves). Give a word bank, provide multiple choices, let the student use manipulatives, and so on.
• Take turns. In line with accommodations, one simple strategy to try (when you can) is to take turns writing and completing problems with the student. For example, you can complete the first problem and write it down on the student’s paper. It helps to think aloud while you’re solving the problem, as this models the behaviors you want to see. Then, have the student complete the second problem. Next, you would complete the third and so on. This is a more collaborative approach that sometimes eases kids and teens into working and finishing their assignments.
• Think about trends. Is the work refusal only happening during math? Or maybe during partner work? Maybe it’s only in the morning or in the afternoon? Think about these trends and really delving into the data can help inform your judgements about what’s really going on.
• Plan breaks. All kids and teens need a break sometimes. Consider adding a preferred activity right after the assignment you want your student to complete. Another option is to schedule meaningful brain breaks .
• Provide different writing utensils. This idea seems crazy, but sometimes it works! Give options for writing such as gel pens or colored pencils instead of just a plain old pencil. Sometimes, the freshness of a new tool can help kids get over that road block of starting. It’s worth a try.
• Consider interventions for task initiation. Our skills for task initiation are like the motor that starts us up. When kids and young adults lack these skills to get started, it can be extremely frustrating for everyone involved. Sometimes, kids don’t actually know HOW to start a challenging task or assignment. It’s important to consider if these skills are lacking when a child or young adult isn’t completing work, because they can be taught. Read up more on this blog post focused on interventions for task initiation skills .
• Create an incentive plan, if needed. Sometimes educators are opposed to incentives plans, and I agree they shouldn’t always be a first strategy. However, there is a time when they can a struggling student work towards their goals. You might develop a contract that outlines what the student is responsible for and what incentives the student will get by completing work. A contract sets the tone that you will stick to your word so you expect that the student makes an effort to do the same. Find out what the student would like to work for, remembering that each individual student is motivated by different things (I’ve had some students who want silent drawing time and others who want to help the custodian, for example). My favorite way to find this out is by using a reward inventory. You can visit here to see more about my reward inventories, behavior plans, and contracts.

• Collaborate with families. It’s important to note that the first time you call the family shouldn’t be to mention that the student isn’t working. I’m a huge believer in always calling to share something positive first. With that said, it is important to share concerns about students who are struggling to work in class. Be mindful of how you communicate this with families, too. Rather than saying the child is “refusing to work,” share that they are “struggling with getting started even on assignments that are at their level.” Collaborate to discuss if anything is going on outside of home with the child and if there are any other strategies you as the educator can try. Often, parents are more than willing to talk with their child and sometimes (definitely not always) this even fixes the issue from the start.
• Focus on your own self-care. This is definitely not stressed enough in the world of education. Working with students who are refusing to work can be emotionally draining. Take time to focus on yourself when you can. You can’t pour from an empty cup.

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October 16, 2018 at 9:50 pm

I am a special education teacher as well. I agree with everything in this article! Very well articulated, thank you for sharing!

October 17, 2018 at 6:07 am

I’m so glad this is helpful. For many years, these were my kids that I loved SO much! I seriously believe that all educators need a lot more training in the area of social emotional needs. It’s just something we didn’t get a lot of training or PD on in college or even beyond. So glad to share this information and hope it helps some teachers and students!

November 14, 2018 at 5:05 pm

Great article! So far your suggestions are working on all but one student ( grade 6). Whenever I give the class short answer questions, she just writes ” I don’t know” on the line but has no problem explaining the correct answer to the class. At first I figured she just didn’t know how to word her answers in writing so I broke down her spoken answer and told her exactly what could write/ type. Yet she still refuses to write anything other than the words “I don’t know” and turn that in. She has been diagnosed with ADD but she does know how to write and spell. She is also pretty well behaved. Do you have any suggestions on how to convince her to write out her answers?

November 23, 2018 at 8:38 pm

How does she do with typing? Is there a computer, laptop, or tablet she could use to record her answers instead? Another suggestion would be let her pick one of the short answers instead of having her write “I don’t know” for all of them. You might say, “Hey, I have an idea. I noticed you’re having trouble with the short answers. What about if I let you pick just ONE to write your ideas for and you can tell me the others out loud and that will count for your grade?”. I have also taken turns writing with students, but I know that can be more challenging in a regular ed environment without a paraeducator available. Does it help if she has a vocabulary bank or sentence starters? What about if it was a paragraph already written with some words missing and she had to fill in the blanks? Please let me know how it goes! -Kris

April 4, 2019 at 9:26 pm

It might be hard for her to hold onto her thinking. Long enough to write it out. Try letting her record it on a device. You could also use speech to text software so she can print it out and turn it in like everyone else.

November 18, 2018 at 5:21 pm

I mean no disrespect to anyone when I ask this, but if such a child is in your classroom, how do you balance this with the needs of the other students?

November 23, 2018 at 8:35 pm

Hi Kathy- Thanks for this question! I don’t take offense to this at all! It’s definitely difficult. I would say the number one thing is to keep teaching and ignore if the student isn’t disruptive. Even though it might be stressful in the moment (because we all want our kids to be actually working), it doesn’t actually need to impact you. Other than that, a lot of the other steps have to happen during downtime, when other students are working, during advisory periods, study halls, lunch, or any other time you can meet privately with the student to help them. Sometimes really small things can make a big difference, like just asking them about their basketball game or how their dog is. The vast majority of times when kids don’t work, it can be improved when the relationship improves. I 100% know that’s not an easy task for regular ed teachers teaching a full class, but it should always be a work in progress.

July 14, 2019 at 6:18 pm

What do you recommend when the refusal is disruptive or the more you accommodate, the more the behavior increases? I had a second grade student last year who I was directed to give breaks and allow him to play with putty. He would pound and talk the whole time and constantly want to show me or other students his creations. Then other students started acting out and wanting “breaks” as well. I do give PAT at the end of each day and try to incorporate a lot of talk time and hands on or whole body activities.

July 21, 2019 at 1:14 pm

Hi Holly! Could that student have used another less distracting calming activity like listening to music or coloring? Or maybe he could have used the putty in the back of the room? I would also say it’s important to teach kids how to use the strategies. Sometimes, we tell them to use putty to calm down but don’t practice and show the “right” way to use it. You sound like you are doing an amazing job just by trying to implement some strategies right in your classroom. Hope you have a great year!

November 29, 2018 at 6:45 am

Wow, great post. It came at a time when I really needed it. Question: What to do when the refusal to not work spreads like a little wildfire? I had that happen yesterday in my class. One boy on the table refused to participate because he wanted to draw instead. Promptly the whole table group decided that they were not going to participate in the game.

December 2, 2018 at 1:50 pm

This is such a good question! A couple things to try: Make the activity even more engaging and fun than doing nothing, split that group up, include more positive role models, give simple praise to those who are doing what they are supposed to do, and maybe some incentives for those completing the work. For a couple of years, I did a “Fun Friday” where students had to finish their regular work assigned first and then they could participate in an activity of their choice for part of Friday. We normally did a movie (didn’t finish the whole thing but part of it) and other kids could color or listen to music. Those who didn’t finish their work had to do that first before getting to the activity. I would also talk with the other students who are “following along” privately and discuss what you expect of them. If they say, “Well why does so-and-so get to do nothing???!”, I would always say, “I’m talking about you right now. This is what I expect from you and sometimes we all need different things in the moment.” If all else fails, I would stop the lesson and do something else! If you can’t beat them, join them, rather than getting upset. Maybe you could turn the lights off and just have time to practice some mindfulness or a discussion about social skills. Good luck to you!

January 27, 2019 at 5:36 pm

i,m wondering about when the child takes it further, without any intervention concerning his refusal and starts making noises, and moving his chair, desk and basically anything while I,m still circulating or returning to the whole class lesson?

January 28, 2019 at 10:08 am

Hi Ginette, great questions and thoughts. I am a big fan of planned ignoring, but you can only ignore so much if it’s impacting the learning of others. I would consider thinking about why the child is behaving in that way. Why are they trying to communicate? Is the work too hard? Do they hate the topic? Could you provide modifications to reduce the level of the assignment? I’d also consider a contract with specific guidelines and incentives. It’s important to make that WITH the child so they have input and buy-in. Brainstorm ideas with the child. Sometimes you can find out a lot from them. I’d think about what they want to earn and help them earn it. Start small! Give them control over the situation as much as you can. If they tell you the class is too loud, let them work where it’s quiet. If they say it’s too hard, let them choose 5 to complete instead of 10. So often, refusal to work can be a way for a child to control their environment. I often say that sometimes it’s actually MORE work for them to avoid the work than actually just do it.. so there is usually somewhat of a reason, even if it doesn’t make sense to us. My final suggestion would be to have a calm down area. If the student is agitated or dysregulated, they might need to place to chill out. Now, this is different from just a “fun” space. Activities like coloring, laying in a bean bag, or squeezing a stress ball might be in this calm down area. After they take some time there, they can return back to completing work when they are ready. Even though they aren’t completing academics in that space, they are learning to self-regulate and they are not distracting others. It’s a much more positive option. Hope that helps! -Kris

January 28, 2019 at 2:38 am

Thanks for the tips. I will be teaching a very challenging year 5 boy this year and, as I am a beginning teacher in my second year, am feeling a little anxious about how i will deal with him. Your article is very helpful and I will print it and keep it in my draw at school to read when I need to.

January 28, 2019 at 10:02 am

Hi Shelley! Good luck to you. I actually think the 2nd year of teaching is the hardest, so I’m sending you lots of love and encouragement! You’re doing the right thing by seeking out other strategies and ideas. The best teachers aren’t the ones who know everything, but the ones who are reflective and willing to learn. I’m so glad this article is helpful! -Kris

February 1, 2019 at 2:18 pm

My son is in second grade and is refusing to do his work. He has a great environment at home, both mom and dad are available to help with things. He has no diagnosis of add, but we are quite certain he has focusing issues. We are trying noise canceling headphones because he says it’s too loud, his teacher is offering s prize if he completes his classwork, and she moved his desk where he can’t face the other students. He isn’t disruptive or disrespectful, but just won’t work. His teacher has help him with her during lunch and recess numerous times. She said it is because it is quiet during that time, so she is hoping to complete the work. He is now being carried to another counselors office several days a week to do work. I applaud the school for trying to help…gosh, it must be distracting to others, but it is just making him feel that his teacher doesn’t like him. I just don’t know what to do. He has low grades, but his testing is high enough that he doesn’t qualify for additional help. When we ask him why he won’t do the work he says it’s just to hard. I really believe him. Any ideas on how I can talk to the teacher? She is doing so much already, but it just might be clashing with what he really needs. I spoke to a mental health counselor that said he needs a more nurturing teacher. It is too late in the year for a change, and no other teacher would likely want him. ?My hands are tied. Ideas?

February 5, 2019 at 6:47 am

Thanks so much for writing in. I’m so sorry your son is having trouble. To me, it sounds like he’s having a lot of trouble with task initiation and attention skills, both of which can be taught and discussed explicitly with him. It sounds like he’s a smart kid who is struggling and needs intervention in this area. Our skills for task initiation are basically the motor inside of us that helps us to get started. I actually JUST wrote a whole blog post on this topic with interventions, strategies, and supports. You can find it here: https://www.thepathway2success.com/interventions-for-executive-functioning-challenges-task-initiation/ And I’ll link to it within the article so others can easily find it, too! I’m planning to add another post about strategies for kids who struggle with attention, too.

I’d also question if he needs more support in confidence-building. Does he do the work when he leaves the class and works with an adult? What about when the work is reduced or modified a little? If so, I would build on that. I’d also incorporate things he likes or does well into the classroom- make him the star in some way.

Finally, I’d encourage looking into outside counseling. Once a relationship is build, sometimes kids can open up more to someone who isn’t involved in their school and home life about what’s going on. Maybe that counselor can think of new strategies with him, help him build his mental toughness, and then collaborate with the school to provide strategies and supports.

March 29, 2019 at 4:22 pm

I wanted to ask what do I do with students that do not do their work as a 7th grade teacher. I’m in my second year as a teacher and struggled with this in my first year. I let my students know that it is their choice that they don’t do their work and that I am disappointed by the decision they are making, but they shrug it off and don’t seem to care. I don’t want to give them a zero on the assignment, but I don’t see any other option. Any advice on what I can do?

April 1, 2019 at 1:38 pm

Hi Steven- I know from experience it can feel frustrating when kids don’t do their work. There are so many reasons why they struggle or outright refuse to do it, but there is a lot you can do. The number one thing is to focus on strong relationships (with all of your learners that’s important, but especially these students who don’t do their work). Have lunch with them, talk with them before/after class, visit them at their basketball game, etc. It doesn’t always make magic happen right away but I truly feel that kids will push themselves a little bit more if they know you are one of the good ones. Besides that, I’d meet with that student and just talk with them. See if they are feeling overwhelmed, if the work is hard for them, and brainstorm solutions. Another option is giving them more choice in assignments. Instead of writing an essay, can some students elect to write a poem or draw a scene from the novel? There are a ton of options but most importantly you have to try and think outside the box. Finally, find out what they are interested in earning and make a plan to help them get there! Maybe they want to get an extra period of gym or bring a friend to study hall. Make a point system or something to help them achieve that goal. You might want to reach out to the school counselor or another support staff to help brainstorm ideas, too. Wishing you all the luck!

April 24, 2019 at 1:20 am

Dang my teachers should read this…

May 11, 2019 at 6:47 pm

Work refusal is very common in children struggling with PAN/PANDAS. Often in the area of writing and math. 1/200 children suffer from this nightmare. These approaches would be helpful especially the stay calm and work on building the relationship. It’s best to think of refusal as anxiety and stay positive while reducing demands.

May 22, 2019 at 3:38 pm

I have a son with ADHD and a mood aggression disorder. He is in 4th grade this year and towards the end of the school decided any subject that contains reading or writing he wasn’t going to do it. Since he has the mood aggression the teacher just said fine then I will send it home for you to do or makes him go home.

So now my son knows if he says the right thing he can get out of work, which I find so wrong for the school to allow. This is basically teaching my son how to be a bully and get what he wants.

I have been trying to work with the school but it is a battle every step. He on a 504 plan but I am yet to see this school follow it in full and have tried to find outside help so my son can learn. When I question anything about the school and if there is anyone else available to help teach my son I get this defense response.

Any ideas???

June 24, 2019 at 1:03 pm

Hi Cindy- I can’t give specific advice for your son since I don’t know him personally. I would 100% encourage you to continue working with the school in a positive way as much as possible. Regular meetings might be a good idea. Does your son do the work when he is at home (even if he chooses to not do it at school)? Maybe you should share some strategies about how/why your son works better at home if that is the case. For example, maybe he does better in a private area or while listening to music (just examples). These are strategies that the school could try if they work at home for him. As an educator, I would say it’s extremely important for your son to see you and the school as a unified team. If it isn’t working, I would encourage you to seek a parent advocate in your area to help you work on those issues with the school team! Good luck to you!

September 27, 2019 at 12:49 pm

My wife just received a call from my son’s teacher that he is refusing to do art work. He instead is choosing to read. My wife called me and she wants to ground him and take away video games. I’m not sure what the teacher has attempted to get my son to do his work. I don’t think grounding him and taking away privileges is the right strategy. Not sure what to do.

September 27, 2019 at 5:21 pm

Great question! I would first talk with your son and figure out what’s going on. Be inquisitive first. Then, problem solve together and help him understand the expectations. I’m more of a fan of incentives than punishments. Also, just to put things into perspective, reading isn’t the worst thing to do instead of art work! Still, I would want to find out what is going on and what is causing your son to not do his art work. You might also want to call the teacher or have a conference to find out what else is going on in the class from her perspective. Most importantly, it’s critical that your son sees you, your wife, and the teacher as a united front. This often makes a huge difference! Feel free to send the teacher this link or share some of the suggestions as well. Good luck to you!

October 10, 2019 at 4:02 pm

What do you do when you co teach in a middle school class with 25+ students and 6 have diagnosed behavior disorders, those plus 5 more have learning disabilities and everyone “feeds off each other”? At any given time, 2 are shouting at each other, 1 is spinning in circles or rolling on the floor, 3 are blurting random things across the room at each other trying to “one up” the other. Suffice it to say, no one is learning anything about anything, except maybe some different inappropriate behaviors they hadn’t thought of before. It’s like “whack a mole” with exploding moles. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

October 10, 2019 at 4:42 pm

Hi Barbara, I hear you. That is extremely frustrating. Something that has helped me in the past is “sometimes you have to go backwards before you can move forwards.” Perhaps you can spend some time on relationship-building and social skills in the classroom. If you are a general education teacher, I recognize this seems counter-productive since you should be able to focus on your content. Sometimes, though, the other skills need to come first. I’d also take some time to be reflective about your class structure, routines, and activities. The more routine, the better. Keep it simple if possible. For example, maybe you have a 5 minute warm up that kids silently do at their desks while coming in, then a 10 minute mini-lesson, and then an activity. I’d also do something to encourage kids to do their best. Many years, I had a “Fun Friday” where kids could watch a movie and/or color at the desks during our resource time if they were caught up on work. It might look different for you depending on your structure but incentives can be a powerful tool if used right. I would also encourage you to reach out to the special education teacher, school counselor, and any other support staff. Have them come visit your room and ask for suggestions! I think sometimes, as teachers, we get stuck in our own rooms and forget that we can reach out for help from others. Wishing you lots of luck for the rest of the school year!

November 21, 2019 at 10:51 am

Thank you so much for this article. My son is in 6th grade and he has Autism(ASD level 2). He is high functioning so he is in regular classroom setting, but he is constantly getting in trouble for refusing to do his work. I am going to pass some of these suggestions on to his teachers and maybe he won’t stay in trouble so much. Thank you for all you do as an educator.

November 26, 2019 at 6:53 pm

I’m so glad this article was helpful. That’s a great idea to pass the information along. Still too often, kids with autism are really misunderstood. If you continue to have trouble, it’s always a good idea to call an IEP meeting to go over the supports in place and make sure the plan is working for him. Good luck to you and your son! -Kris

November 22, 2019 at 10:33 am

Do you have any suggestions for a 15 year old that just won’t get motivated? But she will help her friends with the same homework she refuses to complete herself. She does have ADD, anxiety, and Depression. She tends to deflect work, lack organizational skills, would rather sleep or watch Netflix . I would also appreciate a suggestion on some of your products that could possibly help. Any ideas would greatly be appreciated. Thank you for your time.

November 26, 2019 at 6:50 pm

Hi Nicole- I do have a motivation workbook I created to help young adults improve some of these skills. You can find that here: https://www.teacherspayteachers.com/Product/Motivation-Workbook-2725265

I’d investigate a bit more as to why she won’t complete it on her own. Could it be a writing issue? Is writing challenging for her, either academically or physically? Could she try using speech to text for some assignments? I would also start really small and build her up. Sometimes, kids and young adults develop a sense of learned helplessness when there is too much homework that they can’t realistically complete. I’d also look into what time she could complete the work in school, maybe with adult or partner support. For example, maybe there is a resource room or guided study hall time where she could get it done and not have any homework for home. I’m also a huge fan of choice: You can complete ___ or ____ for homework. Even when we feel kids are not motivated by anything, it’s important to remember that they are often motivated by something. Just sometimes we haven’t found that something yet. Continue building a relationship with her and try to find what she’s interested in. If there is any way you can allow her to earn it with a little bit of extra work, that’s a good thing. Finally, last thoughts would be to make sure she has the academic skills to succeed. If not, teach them separately in a study skills class. Good luck to you! -Kris

April 7, 2020 at 8:46 am

What a truly amazing article! I stumbled upon it as I am currently writing an article about my blog, http://www.languageproject.gr . I am a foreign language teacher, located in Athens, Greece. The whole country has been under quarantine for more than a month as a means of prevention for covid-19 virus and all teachers are having Skype lessons. I have organised everything right, however I see one by one my students underperforming and being in denial to study. Usually, I am a demanding teacher but I have become more understanding, highly more encouraging and motivating teacher than ever before. Your article provides excellent advice on how to deal with our students now that circumstances are indeed unprecedented.

Thank you and please continue your amazing work!

P.S. I am also studying arabic and as a student myself I have been falling behind on my studying with no excuse. So, the psychological implications have an impact on everyone, regardless of age.

September 8, 2020 at 6:25 pm

Any tips for a parent or ideas when we should be contacting teachers over incomplete work? My now 6th grader has consistently came home with over half of her classwork assignments still to complete, on top of the normal homework assignments since we started school 4 weeks ago. I thought just give her some adjustment time to adapt to the higher demand that 6th grade brings at first.. It’s 2-4 hours more at home and some times we are still on school work past bedtime still this far in.. I’m running on empty at this point because I don’t know how to motivate her to complete classwork during class time. She has admitted to getting “bored” sometimes and just reading a book instead of doing her assignments. Won’t tell anyone if she is struggling with something until specifically asked. It’s all gone to online, and now with the books requiring multiple reference pages its gotten more complicated.

September 26, 2020 at 3:24 am

Why would a student even think this is an option? In school in the 60s, I had classmates who were poor, some from single-parent households and one with a disability. Never ever did any student ever pull an, ” I’m just not going to do this work “attitude” because it would not have been tolerated. It was literally unthinkable. Thankfully there was no tolerance for such behavior. It made us better students and better people. So how did it become acceptable? I have never seen such coddling and excuses made for bad behavior. This is why teachers are burnt out and learning is diminished. This idea that discipline is cruel, or unkind or “mean” is destroying education.

September 29, 2020 at 2:55 pm

Hi, This isn’t the first time I’ve heard this criticism and it certainly won’t be the last so I’m happy to try and respond. I think there are a couple things at play here. One is we live in a very different world from 10, 20, or 30 years ago. We can go along pretending everything is the same or adjust. I think, from an education standpoint, adjusting is critical to meet kids and teens where they are. The second consideration is that we know a lot more about trauma and challenges kids and teens face. Just because we tell a kid to work doesn’t mean they will. Just because we tell them they have to do something doesn’t make them listen. These strategies are all about problem-solving. Problems don’t get fixed on their own or because we tell kids to do the work. There’s no magic wand here. A lot of this is really rooted in relationships from the start. And if you follow me, you might know already I’m a huge advocate for meaningful and logical consequences. I couldn’t agree more that kids and teens need to be responsible for their behaviors. I actually highlight that in the article as well. I can definitely add it to my to do list to create an article just on logical consequences and how they are different from punishments. It’s worth of attention for sure. And finally, I agree with you about educators being burnt out. I have been there and have the most amount of empathy for that. That’s why the last point in the article is to focus on self-care. I’m a huge advocate for educator self-care in general. Thanks for your feedback. If you have other suggestions on how to help kids and teens when they refuse work feel free to share! I’m always open to hear suggestions and I’m always learning. Feel free to reach out anytime. -Kris

October 6, 2020 at 12:29 pm

I had this behaviour as a kid and well I still have it actually even as an adult. But I have learned to swallow it as best as I can and produce a good work (I’m at uni now, masters degree in environmental science soon). In my case it has been due to one of or several of these factors, ever since I was a 6 years old:

1- I got super anxious because I did not wanna fail. I wanted it to be a great work and if I fared I would fail, I would not wanna start. But I was not aware this was one of the reasons before I became an adult. A child most probably does not know what blocks them or makes them scared/anxious.

2- I felt the teacher was unhelpful and not even seing me or validating me. I would find the teacher unfair for giving me tasks and it would turn into resentment and anger. If the teacher was walking aruond attending other classmates I would percieve it as her/him helping them but not me. Even if the teacher was spending the same time on everyone, I would not percieve it that way when I was amped up with anxiety and anger. Oh I can remember the EXACT feelings I would have during those moments.

3- There would be instances where I would feel I was in disadvantage and that it was unfair. I was not good with math for example. I knew I was not stupid. I just had a harder time with for example math and I remember I would refuse doing math assigments bc I felt I did not get the help I needed. I was very good with all the other subjects. I also had good memory and loved reading/writing. But math was my nemesis.

4- Instances where I did not understand the point of the assignment. this would automatically make me feel the teacher was incompetent. And I just did not wanna participate because I felt it was a pointless assignment and the teacher clearly did not know what she/he was doing. Believe me, even a middle school child is able to assess the quality of an assigment or the teacher, I know I did.

5- Or if the child has it rough at home or have a lot of anxiety and feels depressed etc, they will act it out with anger and frustration!

I believe I could go on and on about this lol

Reflecting back on it, whenever I felt above things about an assignment I would have been able to get over it if The teacher was warm and affectionat, showed me real care and that he/she understood me. And made it clear that he/she just wants me to “do my best”. That would take the pressure out of it. Perfectionist kids puts so much pressure on themselves that they literally get a mental block. Relieving that pressure is key and some simple words and attention would most often suffice.

Make sure the assignment is interesting and as fun as possible. Also don’t dumb it down. Make sure the child really understands how to do it, what steps to take and what the expected outcomes are. And why, why should the student invest her/his time and energy on this? Whats in it for him/her? And please don’t mention negative consequenses as it most certainly will fuel the students anxieties even more. Relieve the pressure and anxiety for the child.

I have no clue about teaching and the teacher profession, but these are my own personal experiences as that rebelling, assignment refusing nay saying child lol

October 9, 2020 at 2:25 pm

This made me so happy and definitely worked! So wonderful to see someone so dedicated to helping others realize that yelling is rarely the best solution :) Your tips saved my behind in class today and I couldn’t be more thankful. Hoping this year is treating you well!

February 6, 2021 at 4:22 am

My grandson was diagnosed with ADHD at the age of 5. He is in the 5th grade this year. In the past few years he was an A & B student. This year he is refusing to do his work and is making Fs in 2 subjects. He basically started this behavior after Christmas break. His mom had a stroke in May of 2020 and doesn’t spend a lot of time with him. She is not a hands on mom because of the stroke. As of recently she has been spending less time with him due to her symptoms getting worse from her illness. He now has to do things for himself…such as picking out his clothes for school packing his bag and going to the bus stop by himself. He also puts himself to bed at night because she goes to bed around 7:00 pm every evening. Do you think the behavior he is exhibiting is due to his home life? His school is working to try and find a solution to his problems. Thanks

March 23, 2021 at 8:38 am

Hi Peggy, I can’t give specific advice about your grandson but happy to give some general insight. First off, I’m so sorry for all he’s going through. All those changes and then a crazy pandemic year on top of it all. It’s a lot for any kid to deal with. I’m glad the school is working towards a solution. Giving kids grace during a tough time is seriously important. Feel free to share this article with them (if you want) to give some ideas in a supportive way. Sending love and support your way. -Kris

February 8, 2021 at 4:40 pm

Hi! Just wondering if you had any advice for a kindergarten who is very smart but is refusing to do work at school on a regular basis. Unfortunately I am a single mom that works a full time job. But still trying to keep a consistent schedule and work with him.

March 23, 2021 at 8:35 am

Hi Lisa, A lot of what I’d suggest is right in the article. I’d start small with routines and rewards. I would also suggest trying taking turns with work (I do 1, you do 1). I hope one of the ideas helps – and it’s important to mention that change happens slowly over time! Thanks for all you do! -Kris

May 19, 2021 at 9:21 am

November 30, 2021 at 9:07 am

I have a Middle School new student who (after seemingly testing the waters since the beginning of school) is at the point where he does little or nothing in most classes and readily admits it’s because there are literally no consequences.

Suggestions?

December 20, 2021 at 4:23 pm

The number one thing is to build a relationship. I know that takes time. Find out what he likes, what he’s good at, what inspires him. And make a plan together to help him learn and do his best.

February 13, 2022 at 11:27 am

Nice article! I had a bright first grader consistently refuse to do his fact sheet of 20 math problems. I used movement to help him complete the task. I told him to just complete the first row of 5 facts. He was shocked! Once he completed that row, I told him he could walk around the room. Once he returned to his seat, he completed the next row. He continued working a little and walking until he finished the assignment. He appreciated breaking the assignment into smaller parts and permission to move about the room.

September 24, 2022 at 5:40 pm

I just found your awesome site and this article is just great! I can’t wait to explore your resources as well. I am a student teacher supervisor and have one class that has had so many behavioral issues from follow them from little up to now in an upper elementary grade. It’s the kind of class that teachers have ‘tried everything’ with. I think that this article will be so helpful to my student teacher and maybe even her cooperating teacher. Our student teachers have not been able to put any of these types of strategies into play/observe as they have not been able to be in classrooms prior to student teaching due to COVID restrictions. I plan to get them on your website and share as much as possible. They need all the tools in their toolboxes as they go out into the classrooms! Thanks so much for provide these resources!

October 2, 2022 at 10:41 pm

Great article, great lovable ways to manage when students refuses to work. I complete agree with this article because one must not fight with a student, instead walk a mile in his her shoes since no one knows what is on their heads and one can’t assume laziness or other adjectives to describe the student.

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Why Logical Consequences Aren’t Working to Change Your Child’s Misbehavior (and What Will)

Many parents try to use consequences to change their child’s misbehavior but find they’re ineffective. Here’s why that happens, how to determine when a consequence will be effective, and seven alternative parenting tools that often work better.

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Your daughter has been playing with Magnatiles for the past hour. You love that she’s so engaged in this activity but it’s time to run errands.

“Time to go to the grocery store,” you say.

“No!” she replies.

“I know you’re having fun, honey, but we need to buy food for dinner.”

“No, I’m not going,” she says.

Back and forth the discourse goes for at least another five minutes. Finally, her obstinance has taken you over the edge and you decide it’s time to come up with a consequence for her behavior.

“If you don’t put your coat on in five minutes, I’ll put away the Magnatiles for the next three days.”

Tears start to flow and her cheeks get red. It’s clear she doesn’t like the predicament she’s in. 

Magnatiles are her favorite activity, and the thought of being without them for three days is too much to bear. She gets up off the floor and loudly stomps her feet over to the coat rack with a pout on her face.   

She’s clearly mad at you and barely says a word the entire time you’re in the car. 

It’s painful to see her so upset and angry but you assure yourself that at least she’s learned a lesson. 

But has she?

When and why consequences don’t work

Providing a child with a consequence has come to be the modern-day alternative to punishment. 

Rather than send a child to their room, or worse, hit them, parents feel they’re teaching their child a lesson by setting up a scenario where the child will feel the repercussions of his or her behavior.

But what most parents don’t realize is that many of the consequences they present to children aren’t truly  logical  consequences.  They don’t teach children and, instead, are really just disguised punishment.  

And that’s the reason why they don’t ultimately work. 

Research shows that while punishment will change a child’s behavior in the moment, it can cause kids to feel poorly about themselves in the long run, which often inspires greater defiance – leading to more power struggles in the future. 

Punishment also damages the parent-child relationship, making it even more difficult for a parent to coach their kids toward better behavior. After being punished, not only do kids feel less of a connection with their parents, children also develop the belief that they’re bad people. 

“Punishment is about controlling a child, rather than teaching the child how to control himself. And most often, punishment changes the way a child thinks about himself.” Amy Morin, Verywell Family

Related:  The difference between punishment and discipline

Positive alternatives to consequences

So what’s a parent to do when a child misbehaves? 

If using consequences has been in your parenting toolbox for a long time, it may be difficult to think of an alternative. Or you might assume that the only alternative is to be passive and simply let kids get away with bad behavior.

Since passive parenting can also lead to undesirable outcomes, such as children who disregard rules or grow anxious not knowing where their boundaries are, that’s certainly not a good route to take. 

Fortunately, parents have other positive discipline techniques to use. These tools empower kids to  want  to do better while also teaching them  how  to do better. 

7 parenting tools that teach 

The following are seven parenting tools that teach rather than punish kids and are usually a better alternative to imposing a consequence. 

The more you use these tools in a positive, respectful way the more your children will  want  to behave better and be more willing to cooperate:

Creating routines:  Having a routine doesn’t necessarily solve a parenting dilemma in the moment, but it can help families avoid them in the first place. Children, like adults, don’t like being taken by surprise and having consistency day to day or evening to evening means less resistance when it’s time to brush teeth, take a nap, or run errands, for example.  Read more about the benefits of kids routines here. 

Problem-solving:  In many situations, a child appears defiant or disobedient, but the root problem of these surface behaviors is that they really don’t know how to behave better. For example, you ask your child to clean his room and he appears to ignore you – because he truly doesn’t know the steps to follow to get his room in order. Or a child who is chronically slow getting ready in the morning because she’s playing with her toys instead may simply need guidance to create an efficient morning routine. In these cases, a parent can ask the child for his or her thoughts about how to solve the problem at hand, inviting the child to be a participant in the solution and increasing their desire and ability to do better.  Read more about teaching kids how to problem solve here.

A family meeting:  Family meetings are an excellent way to work through issues you’re facing as a family, whether it’s between siblings or everyone. If well structured, a consistent family meeting provides a safe forum to let voices be respectfully heard and problem-solving to take place.  Read more about best practices with family meetings here.  

Offering limited choices:  Sometimes the issue at hand is that a child is overwhelmed by the choices he or she is facing. Perhaps too many toys in the playroom overwhelm your daughter with the thought of cleaning it up. Or your son is resisting getting dressed in the morning because he can’t decide what to wear. In these cases, you can eliminate the overwhelm by reducing the number of toys or selecting two outfits for your son to choose from. Giving kids a choice can also be a motivator when there’s resistance to changing activities. You could say: “Which two activities do you want to bring in the car with you when we go pick up your brother at school?” or “Do you want to go to the park or the post office first – you decide.”

Asking for help:  Everyone wants to feel capable – especially kids. Sometimes respectfully asking our child for help with an activity will make them more willing to do it. For the child that doesn’t want to get in the car to go grocery shopping you could try: “Will you help me find the groceries we need at the store?” or “Can you help me buckle your car seat straps when we get in the car?” 

Deciding what you will do instead of what your child will do:  When we tell kids what to do it invites a power struggle. But when we tell our children what  we  will do it causes them to consider how that will affect them, which gives them agency over their decisions. For example, if your children are young and you are still doing their laundry you could say: “I’m only going to clean the clothing that’s in your hamper.” Or when your child is yelling at you you could calmly state: “I want to hear what you have to say but I don’t talk to people who yell at me.” Just be sure that the message isn’t delivered to try to shame the child. It should simply be a calm explanation of your own standards. 

Privileges are lost if responsibility isn’t present:  Toys, a bike, a cell phone – these are all items that should be treated with respect by children. Once kids are taught the appropriate way to use them, parents can let kids know that these items will be taken away if they aren’t used properly. However, it’s important not to confuse this lesson in responsibility with taking away privileges as a punishment. For example, taking away a cell phone because curfew wasn’t obeyed isn’t a logical outcome of the behavior. 

When logical consequences  do  work

While many of the consequences parents come up with for their kids don’t work (because they’re really disguised punishment), there are select times when a logical consequence  is  an effective way to teach a child a lesson and lead him toward better behavior.

But in order for goal of logical consequences to truly be positive, effective, and non-punitive, it must have the following characteristics: 

• It’s related to the situation.  For example, after a child draws on a wall with a crayon, a related consequence would be that he has to clean the crayon marks off the wall.
• It’s respectful.  A consequence isn’t respectful if it’s demeaning, humiliating, or causes pain. It also isn’t respectful if it comes across as dictatorial.
• It’s reasonable.  Having a child clean the crayon off the wall and also wash the floor and windows is not a reasonable consequence. 
• It’s revealed in advance.  Sometimes if a consequence isn’t revealed in advance, it can easily be misconstrued as a punishment. Whenever possible, a parent should set expectations in advance so the child is aware of the consequence of his actions. 

These four guidelines (often referred to as the four Rs) can be found in Jane Nelsen’s book,  Positive Discipline .

While effective consequences should contain the fourth guideline, “revealed in advance,” it’s not always possible. 

Say for example, your child spills orange juice on the kitchen floor. No one could have predicted that would happen so it would be impossible to reveal the consequence of cleaning up the floor in advance.

The important thing to remember here is that your child shouldn’t feel taken off-guard with the consequence presented. If he or she does, the consequence will feel dictatorial and more like a punishment with all the negative outcomes that come with it. 

The role of natural consequences in parenting

Outside of logical consequences, which are imposed on kids from someone else, our children also sometimes face natural consequences or situations that follow naturally from a choice our child makes.

An example of a natural consequence is when a child leaves his raincoat at home and then gets wet as he runs from his school bus into the school building. Another example is a teen who procrastinates studying for a test and does poorly on the exam.

If the child or teen facing the natural consequence isn’t “saved” by an adult’s interference, they’ll likely learn a deep lesson that will stay with them as they grow and mature.

However, most children younger than five don’t have the maturity to understand that the consequence they’re experiencing is the result of their behavior. 

In addition, a child should not experience a natural consequence when it would jeopardize their health or safety. No parent would let a toddler run into a busy street to learn a lesson about the danger of cars or have them forgo brushing their teeth to let them experience the natural consequence of cavities.

See related: How Natural Consequences Strengthen Kids’ Self-Sufficiency and Confidence

The ultimate goal: to lead our kids toward independence

When we consider the parenting tools we use to help our children and guide them toward better behavior, it’s helpful to remember what our ultimate goal is – helping our kids develop independence and self-reliance.

In the heat of the moment, when we find ourselves in a power struggle with our five-year-old or simply need our child to obey (because we’re at our wit’s end!), that long-term goal can easily end up in the rearview mirror.

The goal then is to gradually progress, little by little, using more constructive parenting tools whenever we can.

And over time we’ll likely find that not only do tantrums, power struggles, and misbehavior decrease, but that our relationship with our child improves and grows stronger. 

It’s not always easy to make a change, but with a little diligence, it’s possible—and worth it. 

See related:

Why Your Misbehaving Child Won’t Stop and What to Do About it

How to Discipline Kids While Reaching Their Hearts at the Same Time

The Difference Between Punishment and Discipline and Why it Matters

5 Essential Family Rules Every Kid Needs

What to do next…

1. subscribe to self-sufficient kids’ email list., 2. take one of my quizzes.

Find out if you’re raising a self-sufficient kid ( click here ) or if you’re doing too much for your kids ( click here ). At the end of each quiz, you’ll be asked to provide your email address to see the results.

3. Get your kids started on chores.

Learn how to get your child started on chores (& keep them motivated + avoid power struggles) by enrolling in my Get Your Kids Successfully Started on Chores course. Click here to learn more and sign up.

About Kerry Flatley

Hi! I’m Kerry, the mother of two girls and a certified parent educator. I believe it is possible for parents to have a supportive, loving, and warm relationship with their kids while raising them to be independent and ultimately self-sufficient. Over the years, I’ve read numerous books and articles that support this belief and I’ve put these ideas into practice with my own kids. Read more about me and Self-Sufficient Kids here.

Appropriate Consequences for a Teen’s Bad Behavior

Here are some ideas for appropriate consequences when your teen misbehaves:

Ignore Mild Misbehavior

Ignoring behavior can be a very effective consequence to minor irritations, but it’s very important to carefully choose which behaviors you will ignore. Serious or unsafe behaviors should never be ignored. Mild misbehavior is something that is irritating or annoying, but does not harm humans (including one’s self), animals, or property. These types of unwanted behaviors tend to correct themselves over time, especially if you don’t overreact to them or reinforce them with a great deal of excited attention.

Allow Natural Consequences

A natural consequence is something that automatically results from a person’s action. Natural consequences show teens the reasons for your rules, and provide a correction without the parent having to do anything, which can prevent teens from developing resentment at a parent for “punishing them.” They can experience first-hand why the rules exist and what the results are when the rules are broken. Generally, natural consequences help them learn best. The key is for parents to avoid “rescuing” their teen when a natural consequence occurs. Sometimes the consequence feels too severe to a parent and they want to step in, but that ruins the lesson. Examples of natural consequences are:

• When the teen refuses to do his homework, he faces the consequence of getting a zero or having to stay after school to get it completed. Parents don’t need to nag him to get it done because the consequence should get his attention better than nagging. Parents shouldn’t rescue their child by letting him stay up late or skip school to finish the assignment.
• If the house rule is that mom only washes clothes that are placed in the hamper, then the teenager faces the consequence of not wearing the clothing article, washing it herself, or wearing it dirty.
• If the house rule is that the teen receives an allowance on Friday, but the teen spends his entire allowance Friday night, then the consequence is that he will not have any money for the remainder of the week.
• If your heavy-footed daughter gets a speeding ticket, the consequence is that she must earn the money to pay for the ticket.

Provide Logical Consequences

Sometimes natural consequences don’t work because they aren’t a strong enough deterrent or because the natural consequence is dangerous. For example, the consequence of not wearing a seat belt could potentially be death, so a natural consequence in an area of safety is not appropriate. In these situations, parents will need to develop a logical consequence to promote the desired behavior. Logical consequences should be directly related to the misbehavior and should not threaten or punish the teen. In our seatbelt example, a logical consequence for getting caught without a seatbelt is losing access to the car for a week. Another example: if your teen is having difficulty getting up in the morning for school, a logical consequence would mean an earlier time for “lights out” at night.

Assign Extra Chores

Sometimes there are not natural or logical consequences for misbehavior, but it still needs to be corrected. For example, if your son speaks disrespectfully to you, you can assign him the chore of cleaning the dinner dishes that evening in addition to his regular housework.

Opportunities for Restitution

When a teen’s actions hurt someone else or damage property, you have the perfect opportunity to allow your teen to make amends as a consequence. This is an excellent lesson in the making and also encourages empathy for others. Restitution gives your child a chance to try and repair some of the damage that may have been done. For example, if your teenage son vandalizes the neighbor’s fence, he should pay to repair the fence and do a few extra chores for the neighbor, or if your teenage daughter borrows her sister’s shirt without asking and then rips a hole in it, she should buy her sister a new shirt and make her bed for a week.

Restricting Privileges

Probably the most common form of consequences parents impose is “grounding” or restricting their privileges. There are a few guidelines for making this work:

Types of Privileges to Restrict. You must take something away from your teen that he really enjoys to make this consequence effective. It should cause your teen some discomfort to lose, but not be out of proportion to the misbehavior. For example, you shouldn’t make your child quit their favorite club or team because they missed curfew one night. Additionally, sometimes you must take away more than one item to really make an impact. For example, if you take away just the TV, your teen may end up watching TV on their computer, so there was no pain. Driving without a seatbelt might mean losing driving privileges for a week.

Explain Restriction Limits. Parents need to specifically tell their teen when or how they can earn back those privileges. Sometimes it makes sense to take something away for a set amount of time, while other times it’s more appropriate to have your teen “earn” back the privileges. Parents should not be vague – like “You can have your privileges back when you start behaving” – which will lead to frustration and resentment. Let’s look at the two types of restrictions:

• Time Limited Privileges. This is when you take something away for a set amount of time. You tell them they cannot do something specific for 24 hours or a few days for a more serious or repeated offense. Never take something away for weeks or a month because it loses its effectiveness.
• Earning Back Privileges. This is when a parent establishes a clear guideline of how their teen can regain their privileges. It’s important that your teen understand exactly what they must do to get his privileges back. A good example of this type of restriction is if your teen is late for his curfew, set his new curfew one hour earlier. Tell him he needs to behave responsibly for two weeks by being home on time and getting all of his chores done on time before he can earn back his later curfew. Then, leave it up to your teen to take responsibility for earning privileges back.

Following through with Restrictions. Restrictions only work if parents don’t give in or give up just because their teen whines or promises to behave. You must see the consequence through in order to see behavior change. If you don’t think you can actually follow through on taking his phone away for an entire day, don’t threaten to do so. You lose all your power. Only take away those things you are willing to live without and then follow it through. By choosing good restrictions and following through on those consequences, parents will see the behavior change they want.

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50 comments

I am a lost parent to a 14 year old boy. He is an exceptional student and athlete. I have never been disappointed in him until now. He approached me months ago about having a girlfriend. I try to be the parent he can come and talk to. I explained that he is young and not mature at this stage to enter into that type of serious relationship. He knew a girlfriend in middle school was not allowed, but had one anyway. I never acknowledged her as such-never gave in to calling her his “girlfriend”, never was introduced to this “friend”, but I knew she existed and that they were together. I thought that by not acknowledging her it would make a difference. Long story short-he lied about who he was meeting at the park/coffee shop and I found inappropriate text messages/photos on their social media accounts. This made me livid! I immediately took his phone and told him I would be keeping it for at least a month. I was outraged and that is what came to mind first. My question is this-how long do I keep the phone? He does not have a laptop or another form of social media. But he does have access to talking to friends while playing games (something I had not even thought of until I heard him). What is appropriate consequence for this action? Loss of phone? Loss of gaming? Restricted use of both? Use only when in the presence of a parent? I am a first time mom to a teen who is going through major changes, finding interest in the opposite sex and exploring sexuality. FYI-other parent is aware of this situation and also very concerned. As far as I know, there has been no contact between the two kids.

The more you push and try to prevent contact between the teens the more creative and secretive your son will become. Instead you should speak with him and allow small things like maybe the friend can join the family for dinner. Certain conversations should definitely be had as the last thing you want is your studious son to begin to skip school or take other extreme measures just to see this friend. Children have been exposed to far too much at a far younger age so if possible keep him close by keeping the things he’s into close. Just a suggestion so that you can keep an open line of communication without accidentally closing the doorway between you and your only child.

Over the last yr my 15 yr old has been drinking, doing drugs, lying constantly and pushing me around and referring me as wheelchair (I’m a paraplegic) as well as sneaking out, sneaking friends in, etc. We’ve tried talking to him, explaining the consequences to his actions such as skipping school.. taking away privileges like his phone and computer, having friends over and such but nothing has working, regardless of having cameras he still sneaks out, regardless of asking him to clean up after himself or feed his cat he still ignores us and aside from feeding his cat we don’t clean up after him. I’ve talked to him many times about pushing me physically and he just doesn’t care, I’m at a loss, nothing I do works and I’m at a point where I want to kick him out so he can learn the hard way how easy he actually has it.

It sounds like professional help is needed. Check out CharlieHealth.com. It’s an Intensive OutPatient (IOP) virtual program. We just sign on and so far, I really like how things are set up.

From one parent of teens plural to another parent my best advice that I can provide is a military structured boarding school. If you cannot afford one they have low cost scholarship and Grant and free options available in the United States. I am currently enrolling my son in this type of environment and I truly believe in their system. I personally have experience with witnessing this with my nephew. He was the most rotten downright nasty disrespectful just a rotten bad team headed down that bad path with bad people and my brother decided it was time to make a difference so they enrolled him in this military school. After 6 months just 6 months he went from 9th grade till he graduated because he loved it so much but just after 6 months it was a whole new wonderful young man and he truly was happy he loved it he truly grew as a person and now he’s a grown man top employee at his company makes big bucks is so kind compassionate respectful if you were to tell anybody anybody there that he was that rotten teenager there’s no way they would believe you. It’s a wonderful thing if you find the correct School that has a good system in place for these kids and he still has contact with his mentor from high school cuz they stay with you the network is still open it’s a wonderful thing I truly believe in it and he’s not in the military but that type of environment is what he needed to truly grow as a person and yeah it might have been tough on him for those 6 months but he really learned. I never heard him say one disrespectful rotten thing to his parents after that ever again never he loved them he loves his parents so much and shows him everyday sends his mom flowers to make her feel special just a great kid he’s just trust me do it it’s the best thing you can do for your kid keep him out of the drugs and the bad path because all that leads to is Department of Justice and death and he’s going to respect the hell out of you for it later on. And I want to make that clear that my nephew is not in the military right now they don’t have to have a military path just because they went to military school but I don’t know if you ever thought of this option but that’s the greatest advice I can give you I’ve seen it I’ve seen it work and I really believe in it. Anyway whether you take my advice or not good luck I hope things work out for the best I know how difficult it can be having a teen who is just out of control and doesn’t know how to stop himself it doesn’t understand the long-term consequences that he’s headed for.

what should I do if my 13-year-old girl refuses to follow instructions, I’ve tried everything, I’m making her come up with her consequence, but so far, nothing fits the crime. PLEASE HELP!

Give two choices, be okay with whatever they choose and stick to it. You can clean your room or you can sit in this chair until your ready… To clean your room. Sometimes we need a break… They decide when, that’s all. Be ok with it..

Hi! I’m a 15 year old girl who has also been struggling with the same issues(drinking, smoking, lying, etc.) and I would like to get better and improve my relationship with my parents. I started when I was 13 and stopped at age 14 but unfortunately became involved in those sorts of activities again. My parents and I have no trust between each other(they have good reasoning not to, I have been a terrible daughter the past few years and I hate disappointing them.

I’m looking for some ways I can change factors in my life so I can become better at managing these- if you or anyone else has any advice, I would really appreciate it!

Grounding and taking my phone doesn’t work– even though they are very common punishments. I would suggest try to talk to him about it, a one-to-one conversation, not yelling, just a real conversation about how you want him to improve his life and some solutions to start off with. Spending time with family is shown to make kids seven times less likely to be involved in drugs. Or, instead of taking his phone restrict the times that he’s on it(screen time or just physically taking away the phone for periods of the day).

I am 12 years old and will be 13 in a week. I was recently grounded 2 days ago because I was back-talking to my parents because they were rushing me to get ready for school when I was actually trying to get ready to go to school. My privileges to play with my electronics, especially my desktop, all got taken away for I don’t know how long, but until today I did get the privilege to use my phone to talk with my friend. I feel really guilty for what I have done and I really want to improve my behavior. If any of you are reading this message, do you have any good advice for me to improve my behavior?

Hi Marcel! I’m not any kind of expert but I am a parent and I think just the fact that you’ve gone on to a site like this and are looking for advice on how to improve your behavior is pretty impressive and your parents would probably be very proud of you for showing that maturity at your age. You are really demonstrating that you recognize you want to change your behavior and that shows maturity that some adults don’t even have. In regards to the situation have you apologized to your parents for talking back to them? Apologies go a long way. It sounds like everyone was stressed in that particular situation and that’s normal but maybe in the future you can do things to help alleviate stress with getting ready ( making sure you have your backpack ready the night before, etc).

In our family we try to speak about situations when people are calm. In your case when everyone was emotional/ stressed out it’s just not a good time to try to explain to your parents that you were trying to get ready but that’s totally understandable that you were. It’s hard to recognize that this probably isn’t a good time to try to explain something when emotions are high. And lastly it is somewhat normal at your age to start to talk back to your parents a bit as you’re starting to establish your own independence but you need to try to keep it in check and be respectful. Every household has different levels of expectations of respect between parents and children so you know what yours are I’m sure.

If you find yourself talking back a lot, maybe consider if there is something going on in your life at home or school that is upsetting you and you’re taking your anger out that way. Anger is a normal emotion but you want to make sure you’re channeling it in the right way. It’s very normal to take it out on the ones we love but it’s not the best way to handle things.

Most of all I’m sure your parents love you very much!! We parents are not perfect and make mistakes too ( we just don’t like to admit it 😀). It’s a stressful world out there to be a kid and a parent so just keep in mind that your parents are trying their very best for you and from your coming on here to look for ways to behave better in the future I think they and you are doing a very good job. You sound like a great kid! Good luck!!!

Advice? Sounds like you are on the right track already! This is leaps and bounds more than most kids your age would even consider. My best advice is when you feel like you want to react and back talk, take a deep breath and think about what you are going to say before you say it. Consider the tone and how it will sound. Most of the time, this should help you be mindful and considerate when responding to your parents. Great question! You seem like a great kid. You just messed up, and that’s ok. We all do!

My 13 year old son said something sexually inappropriate to his friend’s sister while staying the night at their home. The mother came over upset about it and told me what happened. How do I handle this situation? He always has a sarcastic comment or denies it when I confront him about anything.

My 16 yo daughter is so lazy. Doesn’t care about punishment. Tells doctors she is fine and seems fine at home until she’s asked to do ANYTHING then she is rude and disrespectful. She can’t get herself out of bed in the morning, skips college, feels her work should be grateful that she shows up occasionally, is rude and half arsed with her 1 chore of doing the dishwasher once a week. Refuses to put her clean washing away (hasn’t been put away in months). As a consequence I said if she can’t be bothered to put away her clothes, she can’t expect me to clean them for her. So she now washes her own clothes. ONE ITEM AT A TIME to use lots of water and product. she gets home before me and refuses to open the door to let the dogs in the garden as they aren’t her responsibility. So i get home with dog mess and the dogs upset. She will literally sit in a room with dog poo rather than let them out. I’m house proud and like to keep a nice home but she’s hellbent on undoing everything I do.

She expects dinner every night and complains that she’s starving if I get home from home and she’s had a day off, expects lifts constantly, appreciates nothing and is so rude and blazeè. I have asked her to make more effort with being tidy as we are a team and she just laughs and says no. Am at my wits end with her.

Whenever I try to ground her she goes and stays with her dad cos “you can’t stop me seeing my dad”. I once confiscated her phone and the neighbours called the police she was screaming so much they thought we were actually hurting eachother. I left the house, got in the car and she clung on to the bonnet calling me abusive cos she needs her phone to speak to her friends!!

Providing everything is going her way she is a joy to be around. Please help. I can’t do this any more. Working full time, trying to manage the house and destruction my ex husband left behind and trying to help her is exhausting. Want to give up.

Just kick her ass out the house Do nothing for Her or let her stay and live at her dad house or just take her phone break it and paint her room black just black with no windows or fun until she behaves again.

Absolutely it is time for tough lo E and natural co cequesnes of her action… Be ajse they will bite her soon enough…plan to are for house and yourself as of she is not there let her know that you are not her doormat her butler and she better work as scheduled bc if she don’t she will have no phone bc you are not footing the bill!! Give it to her straight and teach what it’s like having to be responsible for your own messes… and don’t give in whatsoever be a hard ass because that’s what she needs right now

I just found your post as I was looking what words I can say to my 18 year old daughter to let her know that her disrespect I’m not tolerating it, I’ve had enough of it and I’m not going to put up with any of it and she can get out. Which wasn’t too hard because she already has went and stayed with my parents many times but everything you described is exactly exactly things that I have posted or I have told people about my daughter. I know the lady and the other post said you know kick her out don’t do anything for her it’s hard but you know what I mean I worry everyday or she knows she’ll call me and need something I used to run over to her I’m not doing it anymore I think every child psychologist says just you know if they want to go let him go but you have to cut off contact. You make sure that she’s in a safe space and she’s going to be okay and you have to like freeze her out or something kids are Mean Girls especially and they want to get their way their heads are kind of Twisted I guess these days because they purposely try to fuck with us. They think that we are weak just because we’re being nice or we’re trying to teach with patience and lead by example that’s our job as parents and his mother to teach them how to respond or how to act or tell them when they are doing something the wrong way and it could be done a better way or an easier way. I found out sometimes I just need to do it by themselves and figure it out. But in this case the kids are getting violent they’re getting up in my face they’re getting up in other people’s faces and they just don’t seem to care at all I can’t tell if she’s doing stuff on purpose or if there’s something psychologically wrong with her because it happened so often and there’s no way that I can prove otherwise. The only proof that I have that I am not crazy are my recordings and the fact that it happens all the time with her where she will twist the words she will say something and then come back and say I said it so I mean she’ll argue she just goes on the defensive and just screams I mean it’s like nothing I’ve ever seen before I’m worried for her if it’s like a psychological problem but she’s not like that with her friends most of the time so she does get upset but not like with me. She feels I have wronged her in some way and everything is my fault but then she’ll turn around ask me for a sandwich I started saying no. Today is the first day that I actually told her I didn’t care what she said after she said it I didn’t want to talk to her I didn’t want to be around her and I said you know what if you don’t like me or you don’t like what I have to say then you don’t have to be here but I’m not going to sit here and listen to somebody who doesn’t respect me. daughter was never like that until she turned like 11:00 and she’s become rude, disrespectful I’ve had the same exact problem with the dog pooping before I get home and she would rather lay there with it she’s depressed. Kids today go through so many things and a lot of them are still micro you can’t really apply anything logical for any kind of discipline or teachable moment because it’s not going to be just that and we don’t know anything anyways and we’re not going to get it. And you know what when we try to talk to them about stuff they don’t want to talk to us about anything they’re mad at us they we don’t get it we don’t understand just get out. But then the other personality comes out to play and tell tells you and everybody else that you don’t do anything you don’t try to help they’re doing it all by themselves and we are basically worthless. I’ve had kids in in my daycare and friends who have had children with anger issues or you know learning curves and I didn’t know any better and I’ve never seen anything or even thought that somebody could be so devious what is going on in their heads it has to be the radiation from the phones or something because they’re all Wicked and I hate saying that about kids but they’re seriously something going going on with them it’s like some sort of virus. So you’re not alone and your daughters not extra mean more than any of the other girls I’m sure if that’s any comfort to you cuz I felt really bad thinking that my daughter was the worst and nobody else’s was like that to that extent but they are. I hope this brings you some solace also I just joined a women’s supporting women’s bro it’s for everything and the first show is like tomorrow that I think online I will try to send you the link if you can go they’re on Facebook and it’s not like women griping about anything it’s we actually they seem to want to really support each other in our careers and you know any way that we could help and not just gap on Facebook or so I think I’m if you don’t have anybody to talk to you about it it wouldn’t help even if you did but this place is a safe space for us to say things that we would be too embarrassed to say to somebody else or to ashamed to discuss even if it wasn’t our fault just things like that that women cannot do still to this day because of whatever reason and I think it’ll be really good for you I can’t wait until tomorrow I’ll try and send the linkin

Hi, so I had this unfinished homework that I didn’t complete, which I knew I could 100% make time for after school (the homework is for a program outside of my school). My mom responded by screaming at me and refused to take me to school that day. And when I say she screamed, she SCREAMED at me, she was swearing and stuff like that. 20 minutes later when I finished the homework, she came to my room. At first, I thought she was going to apologize, but she just told me that she wouldn’t be letting me go to Vermont with my best friend. Now, she only goes once a year, so if she doesn’t change her mind, I won’t be able to go until next year. That is, if she ever goes again. Was this a reasonable punishment?

What do you do when consequences do not affect your kid at all?? Example: kid doesn’t do homework & receives zeros but he doesn’t care that he gets zeros and never tries to bring up grades or do homework ever.

Hi my father is makeing me think of a punishment for me and I can not think of one I am 14 and I lied to him but the reason I lie to him is because I feel trapped and do not know what to do I tell myself no don’t do that but I still do that I feel like I am not in control please help me.

HI ALEX. I DON’T KNOW HOW IS YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR DAD BUT I THINK THE BEST THING FOR YOU TO DO IS TO SIT DOWN WITH HIM AND HAVE A GOOD CONVERSATION BETWEEN YOU TWO. EXPLAIN TO HIM WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGTHS AND HOW DO YOU FEEL. IT IS ALWAYS IMPORTANT THAT YOU EXPRESS YOURSELF HONESTLY AND TRUST YOUR DAD’S DECISIONS. BY 14 YEARS OLD YOU SHOULD ALREADY KNOW WHAT IS GOOD AND BAD. AROUND THIS AGE WE ALL HAVE STRUGGLED AS WE ARE DISCOVERING NEW THINGS IN LIFE AND WE START TO SEE THINGS DIFFERENTLY. JUST BE CAREFUL WITH THE DECISIONS YOU MAKE. LYING BRINGS A LOT OF CONSEQUENCES BEHIND. SOME HAPPEN INSTANTLY OTHER TIME IT MIGHT DELAY THE CONSEQUECES A DAY OR TWO. ANYWAYS, IT MIGHT GET YOU “OUT OF TROUBLE” IN THE MOMENT BUT EVENTUALLY THE TRUTH WILL ALWAYS COME OUT. I PRAY THAT EVERYTHING GOES WELL. TAKE CARE ALEX.

Her mom passed away and i took her in she is a 16 year old girl.she had a bad past such as drinking and going out with older guys till late.After 3 months we were told that our security was seen with a teen but was told it was not her,so she came to us and told us and we took her phone for almost 2 months.The other we went to a wedding for a day and left her with her granny and cousin and she went out to the park with a boy without telling us or the granny she only told the cousin and we took her phone for almost 4 months again, when gave her phone back we told her not to talk with older guys and people she does not know but she still do that and we also had multiple meetings with her we don’t know what to do

That is the EXACT opposite of good parenting. Those time frames are much too harsh for what the child did and will only reinforce the idea that they should hide things from you. When I see parents parent like this, their kids are always the ones sneaking around the most

These are young child consequences. These don’t work with teens. The consequences need to be harsher. Don’t take this bad advice and think that you are going to help your child.

thats not true, as giving out harsh punishments to teenagers are only going to make them resent you. they might do what it takes to get it back but if its an unfair punishment, dont expect them to respect you afterwards. there is limits to what you have the right to do as a parent. sorry if this upsets anyone here

If kids are doing disrespectful things to get punished for… that means they don’t respect their parent in the first place!!

The reason these kids act like they do is because of parents who want to be their friend. Your their parents first and then their friend. I was best friends with my mom after I became an adult and was on my own. It was then that I realized that what she did was not to be mean to me, but to help form me into the man I became with morals and values, hopes and dreams and goals to achieve. Kids now have no common sense and no will to learn or work. Every kid needs a ass whooping at some point in life. Quit being scared and teach them what life is like once they leave home.

Please HELP!! any advice will be helpful, My daughter is 15 and was caught with 5 other girls in the bathroom passing down a Vape got suspended for 3 days. What can I do as a punishment?

Give your 15 year old as much information as you can regarding the dangers of vaping. Open up a line of communication with her about peer pressure and give ideas how to deal with peer pressure. Tell your teen to use you as an out. ” I can’t, my mom will kill me, but you go ahead.” “My mom always finds out so I’m out but catch up with me later.” This leaves the person not feeling like an outcast or that your teen is better than them. Kids do stupid things. They will make bad choices. Let them know you don’t expect them to be perfect but you do expect them to follow your house rules. No vaping! Vaping is a gateway to kids doing drugs. I don’t know that you necessarily need to add a punishment. It happened at school, school dealt with it and gave the consequence. Find out if your teen eels she needs to do this to fit in. If she feels that way maybe hanging with a new crowd might be helpful. We are all trying to figure life out as we go. Let your teen know you are learning with her. It’s a different world than what I grew up in. Glad there wasn’t cell phones and social media in my day………It’s all evidence now. Somebody is always watching, cameras are everywhere. They don’t stop the behavior but much easier to get caught making poor choices. Hang in there. She’ll get her karma child one day.

Hi! I’m a 15 year old girl who is literally in the exact same situation(down to the days of suspension lol). I would suggest definitely telling her the dangers of nicotine, possibly if she’s addicted at this point try zero-nicotine vapes to help with the urge to “hit” something. If it’s her first time being caught, I’d say ground her for 2 weeks and take her phone, but if this is a regular thing that might not work as effectively.

Definitely try and see her point of view and have a conversation with her about it, what my parents do sometimes is let me come up with my own punishment(as long as they approve it).

My 15 year old daughter has been lashing out for the past year. I have tried talking to her, grounding her, taking things of importance to her away, nothing seems to work. She is completely failing school, simply bc she refuses to do the work. I have spoke with her guidance counselor about her grades and missing assignments, and was ensured that she is very smart and understands the work just that she wont do it. She has been lying, sneaking out, vaping, smoking weed , and has also become sexually active. Her aggression has become very disrespectful calling me the B word and telling me she f ing hates me but not so nicely worded. I am at a loss on what I should do to help her.

She needs professional help from a therapist maybe medication. Something deeper is going on for her to be self destructive. Also, she needs birth control asap. I know these things because I was just like her when I was a teen. All of the behaviors you listed are text book cries for help. She feels no purpose to her life and is lost in the chaos of adolescence but she is still a frightened child. I hope you are able to get her the help she needs before she makes a huge mistake.

She does not need medication!! I cannot stress that enough! She needs structure and you need to work on your relationship with her. Get a takeout dinner for just the 2 of you and just talk to her about how her actions make you feel. Get an alarm system or cameras so she cannot sneak out. Take her phone and all electronics. Then she can’t contact anyone to sneak out with. Start going to church with her. Take her to school and pick her up everyday so she can’t do any of these things. If she calls you a bitch, smack her! Seriously! I don’t understand why parents are so scared of their kids! Stop being a pushover and put your foot down. You are the parent and she is the child! Hopefully it’s not too late to establish who is boss in your home. And if she doesn’t want to abide by your rules then send her to bootcamp. Usually, I would not suggest bootcamp but since you have let her get away with so much without harsh punishments, it might be your only choice.

Harsh punishments will only make you’re child resent you even more and give them the idea to be more sneaky. Take the time to know what’s going through her head instead of just her actions. Ignoring the mental health issues and sending them to bootcamp could only make things worse.

I appreciate the effort, but this is terrible advice! I’m a teen myself and have been through/threatened with pretty much all of those consequences. They will only make your daughter resent you.

what would be a good consequence (besides grounding) for a 16 year old girl after finding out she has bad grades?

No friends, no phone, no car, no nothing.

I’m amazed that works with girls. With boys, that would just make the boy so stressed out by not having any “down time” that his grades will slip even more. He will probably lose interest, because what’s the point if he’s just going to fail anyways.

I would have a realistic conversation about college and the importance of good grades. Having good grades in high school makes life much easier down the line and prepares you for real life in many ways.

my daughter is 14 and has been acting out(as in vaping and drinking). I’ve already taken away her phone, her makeup and her social life has been restricted so she’s not aloud to go out or hangout with friends unless someone like her older sister, my husband and i are with her. She’s also been caught having social media multiple times when told not to. My husband wants her to come up with a list of things she can do to help earn back her privileges. Although she has to come up with the list i also want to have a backup list just incase she can’t or won’t come up with anything. Any ideas??? PLEASE HELP!!!!!!!

Parenting is such a difficult process! There is no one right answer that fits for all teens or families, but you’re on the right track in trying to develop a list for your daughter to earn back privileges. This is a positive way to reward good behavior and also provides clear expectations so that your daughter knows what she needs to do to be successful. First, please read our previous blog: https://middleearthnj.wordpress.com/2012/11/26/helping-teens-regain-your-trust/ which talks about how we can help our teens regain our trust when they’ve made mistakes. Second, have a family meeting where you and your husband sit with your daughter and discuss what privileges she would like to earn and what actions she would need to take to earn them back. That way, you’re brainstorming together, both offering ideas for her success. Getting her feedback will help her buy into the process and give you valuable information about what privileges are most important to her. Ideally, when you work together this way, it will create a feeling of a team working together towards a better future instead of a ‘me against them’ mentality that teens sometimes feel. Best of luck!

She is allowed to see her friends? Even supervised? LOL! NO!

Help please,

My 14 year old recently decided it would be a really good idea to take some alcohol from his father (he took a little bit out of a few bottles, a mix of bourbon, whiskey and rum probably around the 300-400 ml mark. He then drank it during interval at school the next day, got horribly drunk, vomited over a teacher, a office worker, himself, had an ambulance called etc. He was stood down from school for a couple of days, but as a parent the level of the consequences are quite hard to set. He doesn’t fully understand the serious nature of his actions, and thinks we as parents have been too harsh. He has had his phone and skateboard taken off him, and he is currently grounded until the end of the year – this is negotiable, if he can show some effort and take some form of responsibility for what he did the grounding will be lessened. I’ve had many opinions from other parents, the school and him and his friends, some think it is too much, others think not enough.

I’m so sorry that you are in this difficult situation! It’s so hard to know what to do when our children make big mistakes, and everyone around us will always have very different opinions on how to handle it. Ultimately, you need to go with your instinct and what you think will work best for your family. We also recommend that you read our previous blog about how we can help our teens regain our trust after a big mistake: https://middleearthnj.wordpress.com/2012/11/26/helping-teens-regain-your-trust/

We also always encourage families in these situations to seek out family counseling. Sometimes an outside observer can offer ideas that we never think of ourselves! We wish you the very best of luck!

Hi I have a 17 year old son who lives with his father full time,,i have noticed lately that his stories are untrue and he has broken many promises, ,,won’t visit me when we plan it so,,i called his friend to see if he was ok ,,has i had not heard from him in 2 weeks,they told me he was acting like a jerk and was chasing a new girlfriend and picking the best plans over others,,how to i get thru to him as i don;t have much to take from him as a consequence ,,except the cell phone and that is the only way i stay in contact with him,,any advise ??

My tween aged daughter in an angry outburst broke the neighbor kids bike by stomping on it abd actually breaking the hand break mechanism. Her Dad and I had to pay 100.00 for a new bike. How can I apply a cinsequence that will work since she is not working age to earn money. For this a common problem for me when applying consequences thst will work.

This is an excellent question! By the time children are tweens, they should be earning money in some way so that they can begin learning how to manage money – budgeting, saving up for items, etc. Although this age is not eligible to get a job at a business, they can do odd jobs for friends and neighbors, such as babysitting, mowing the lawn, pet sitting, or helping an elderly person with household chores. Another way that tweens may obtain money is through a weekly allowance. The idea is to instill responsibility, so allowances should be discussed in reference to growing up. As you grow up, you get greater privileges and responsibilities – so you can increase both their chores (contribution to the household) as the increased responsibility and provide an allowance as an increased privilege. When tweens have ways of earning money, parents are then able to provide a natural consequence of paying for something they break. In your case, since your daughter does not currently have money, it would be best to develop a payment plan for her to pay you back. She can do that either by picking up odd jobs and paying you the money or by working around the house and doing extra chores to pay you back with her time and labor.

The highly effective method of disciplining teenagers is known as the three R’s of logical consequences for teens and although very simple, it does work very well. The three R’s are related, respectful and reasonable. Basically the punishment for teens must fit the crime.

my husband and I are at a lose as to what reasonable punishment is for my 16 yr old daughter. This is the second time my daughter has brought her boyfriend in the house while we werent home. The first time was her first boyfriend. Both times they were having sex. The rules are that no boys in the house if we are not there. She is also not aloud in his home unless his parents arent home.

You should sit down with your daughter and explain to her tt u also hv been a teenager and u know the consequences of her behaviour.Tell her tt the fact tt the boy’s parents are also applying the same rule as theirs it shows tt there is a reason behind it show her that you care about her future and you want nothing bt the best out of her

She should not be permitted to be unsupervised. She hadn’t earned the privilege of privacy or earned your trust. Go back to basics…young child basics and make her earn it and learn it all over again. She won’t like it, but too bad. You don’t like her behavior. Your crackdown will hurt her feelings. Her behavior had legal, medical, mental, and financial consequences.

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Logical Consequences: Helping Kids Learn From Their Mistakes

Kids don’t learn from punishment; they learn best from attention and connection..

Posted October 3, 2017 | Reviewed by Jessica Schrader

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Many adults believe in punishment , whether it’s timeouts, spanking, or loss of privileges. “Kids need consequences for bad behavior,” parents often tell me.

Young children do need us to pay attention and do something about it when they’re out of control, or behaving in cruel, sneaky, destructive, dangerous, or antisocial ways. It’s our job as the adults in their lives to protect them from themselves when they’re engaging in behavior that will get them in trouble now, or in another context in their lives. But everything we know about child development suggests that angry punishments don’t work very well in the long run. You may get a child to comply for the moment, but it will come at the cost of their self-esteem or lead to simmering resentment. In the long run, this won’t go well for you or the child.

What are logical consequences?

Natural consequences—the painful results of one’s actions—are the best teachers of all. When a child refuses to wear a coat on a rainy day, the natural consequence of allowing the child to go out without a coat is that the child will get wet and uncomfortable. When it’s an option, a natural consequence is a great teaching tool. The child has no one but himself to blame for his misery, and will probably wear a coat next time it rains.

Logical consequences are also the result of a person’s actions but are imposed by someone else. In both cases, the child is experiencing some type of trouble because of their behavior. (In this post, I use the term “logical consequences” to include natural as well as logical consequences.)

Imposing logical consequences: What can you do when children are doing bad things?

What’s the best way to respond when toddlers and young children (up to age 7 or so) are doing something they shouldn’t do? It depends on the nature of the child and the problem, of course, but here are some ideas for addressing misbehavior in toddlers and children under seven or eight:

• Dial it down. Step back, take a deep breath, and rein in any impulses you might have to yell or punish.
• Don’t be a bully . Remember they are much smaller than you. As with any situation where one person has a lot more power or strength than another, your anger carries an implicit threat of violence. The evil monster in the fairy tales, that’s you.
• Stay present and connected . The last thing a young child needs when they’re out of control or misbehaving badly is to be banished from your presence. Timeouts may appear benign and useful, but they don’t work in the long run .
• See it as a learning opportunity. Try to put the child’s bad behavior into a positive perspective, as a great opportunity for you to help the child learn something. Sometimes the child—especially if they’re under four—is genuinely ignorant about the “badness” inherent in their actions. Sometimes all the child needs is a strong but loving conversation about why you don’t want them doing what they’re doing.
• Look for what else is wrong. Sometimes kids know exactly what they’re doing, and are trying to get you angry enough to pay attention. Whether the bad behavior is intentional or not (and it is hard to know someone else’s intentions with any certainty), bad behavior is always a message. The child has real needs that aren’t being met, and they don’t yet know how to communicate it so you will hear them. They might be needing some loving attention from you, something to eat or drink, sleep, exercise, fresh air, or quiet.
• Be private . Deal with the situation, but do it privately. Even young children feel humiliated when they’re publicly corrected or punished.
• Look for a logical consequence . When you think a consequence is required for the child to learn what you want them to, remember that children (like adults!) learn best when they feel respected, valued, and listened to.
• Think about the 3 R’s (plus H) . Jane Nelsen suggests that consequences for misbehavior should be (a) Related to the behavior, (b) Respectfully administered (no blame, shame , or pain), (c) Reasonable relative to the crime , and (d) Helpful in moving the child toward better behavior.
• Ask the child for help. If you can’t think of a good logical consequence, ask the misbehaving child. Kids are almost always brilliant at thinking up appropriate consequences, although they can be a bit draconian. You may have to tone down their ideas before implementation.
• Move on . Once the child has done their time, you might ask (with a gentle smile) if they’ve learned anything from the experience, but don’t belabor it.

Logical consequences: some examples

Four-year-old Sammy spills his milk, as he’s trying to pour it from one glass to another after you have asked him not to do that.

Do not ask Sammy why he’s so clumsy. Do not remind him you’d asked him not to pour from one glass to the other. Do not tell him he can’t have any more milk. Do not send him for a timeout.

Instead, say something like, “Whoops. What do we do next?”

He will almost certainly know that he needs to get a cloth and clean it up and probably won’t mind doing that if you treat him with good-natured respect. If he doesn’t know what to do next, it may be because you haven’t invested the time in teaching him.

Three-year-old Lauren hits her brother because he’s using the toy she wants to play with.

Do not hit Lauren or tell her to go to a timeout. Look at her as if you can’t quite believe she has done this, and say something like, “You know we don’t hit people in our family. What happens next?”

If little Lauren doesn’t seem to know she needs to apologize , help her get there. Do some role-playing with what an apology looks like, with you and Lauren taking turns playing the role of her and her brother. Once she has told him she’s sorry and told you that she knows she shouldn’t hit people, consider what else might be going on. Is she hungry, tired, thirsty, needing a snuggle? Use her behavior as a message to attend to what’s happening with her.

Six-year-old Polly has made a big mess. There are blocks and books and toys strewn all around the living room.

Don’t yell. Don’t tell Polly you’ve told her a million times she has to put her things away as she finishes using them. And don’t give her a timeout. More than anything, Polly needs a time-in right now.

Say something like, “My goodness. You have a big job ahead of you. You know what’s next, right?”

She may grumble but stay with her on this. She’s trying to tell you something with this mess, and you want to hear it. She may be feeling overwhelmed, worried, or something else. Ask her if she wants to clean it up by herself, or if she’d like some help. If she’s unwilling to start the clean-up, start it yourself, telling her what you’re doing, and asking for her help. “How about we start with the books? Let’s put them back in the bookcase.”

If she moves out of the room, let her know you need her to come back and do the clean-up. You might give her a few minutes grace period before you get her to bring her back, just to allow her to retain her self-respect.

If she still resists cleaning up, tell her that you’ll clean it all up, but that you’ll put everything into a box that she won’t have access to for a day or more (depending on the situation).

Why do logical consequences work?

• Obvious connection to the crime . The consequence provides an obvious result of their behavior. This is a much more effective way of showing a child why they should behave better than a punishment that has no connection to the crime.
• No humiliation . By focusing on the deed as bad, and not the perpetrator, logical consequences don’t shame or punish the child. With children—like most adults—humiliation is more likely to breed resentment and retaliation than learning.
• Encourages responsibility for behavior. Punishments, including timeouts, show that the adult is the boss, no matter what the adult might tell the child about reaping the punishment they earned. Logical consequences, on the other hand, show the child how to take responsibility for their behavior.
• Calm and connected. Unlike most punishments, including spanking and timeouts, logical consequences can be imposed in ways that make a child feel safe and secure.

What are the problems with logical consequences?

• Not always appropriate . They provide one way of handling misbehavior and aren’t always the best way. Sometimes a child needs only a hug and conversation about the behavior. Sometimes—with bigger or persistent problems—the child and parent need professional help.
• Imagination necessary. The adult has to be able to think up an appropriate logical consequence. If there isn’t an obvious one, the child can often help generate something good and inventive.
• Temptation to save the child . Depending on the consequence, the adult might have a hard time not saving the child from the consequence. For example, nobody wants to see a child get cold and wet because they refused to wear a raincoat.
• Take time to sink in . Logical consequences don’t always work the first time. Over time, kids who experience logical consequences increasingly take responsibility for their actions, but they won’t get it all at once.

“ Discipline Your Kids with Natural Consequences ,” by Renée Sagiv Riebling

“ Logical Consequences ,” by Jane Nelsen

“ Using Natural and Logical Consequences ,” by Rose Allen

“ Natural and logical consequences: How implementing them leads to better discipline in children ,” by Elizabeth Gutierrez

“ 10 Alternatives to Consequences ,” by Laura Markham

“ Timeouts: Good for Adults, Not for Kids ,” by Dona Matthews

Dona Matthews, Ph.D. , is a developmental psychologist and the author of four books about children, adolescents and education.

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Natural and Logical Consequences: Examples and Uses

Natural and logical consequences make sense as a discipline strategy, but often parents struggle to come up with ideas of their own in the heat of the moment. Here we explain what these types of consequences are and some examples to get you thinking in the right direction.

Parents often tell me that while they might “get it” in their heads (meaning parenting principles and concepts), they have a hard time translating head knowledge into action. Unfortunately, children don’t come with an owner’s manual. But we can equip ourselves with tools to make our efforts more effective. Natural and logical consequences are one such tool. This post will provide some basic information regarding natural and logical consequences and examples of how to implement them in your home.

What are Natural and Logical Consequences?

These types of consequences are just what they sound like: consequences that come about because of a natural progression of events. They are applied in a very matter-of-fact (but not biting or retaliative) way in an effort to teach the child a family value or rule.

Natural consequences are those that happen naturally (refuse to eat=hungry). Logical consequences are connected to the child’s behavior but require the intervention of a parent (won’t turn off game when asked=no game the next day).

For Which Behaviors are they Effective?

Please note: this advice is intended for “neurotypical” children. A child with autism, ADHD, or high sensitivity would require a more nuanced approach. Consequences are not always effective at teaching a child with ADHD. Behavioral approaches that focus on positive reinforcement and rewards have been shown to be effective with these kids.

Regardless of the child, when implementing consequences, parents need to consider the skills their child has acquired, their capacity for change, and their emotional loading.

The following are some examples of when a parent might choose to use natural and logical consequences:

• When a child has a history of making the same mistake over and over
• When the child is demonstrating problems related to personal responsibility (cleaning up after himself, putting things away, etc)
• When the child is developmentally ready to utilize his decision-making skills

For Which Behaviors are they Ineffective?

Sometimes a natural or logical consequence is not sufficient. There are some situations when a parent will need to dig a bit deeper and address ruptured relationships caused by misbehaviors or possible other factors at play. Here are a few situations when natural and logical consequences would not be sufficient:

• When the child has physically harmed another person or property
• When the child has offended someone in some way
• When the child is refusing to do homework (it’s important to assess for an underlying learning disability)
• When there is an issue of safety

Children who have displayed behaviors that cause ruptures in relationships need to find a way to make amends. The sibling relationship is an important one to protect and foster.

Examples of Misbehaviors and a Natural and Logical Consequence

Parenting requires a “diverse portfolio.” We cannot simply rely on one technique or idea and try to apply it to all situations. Sometimes natural and logical consequences are just what the situation calls for. Other times, we will need to implement another approach. It takes wisdom and discernment (and often mistakes) to figure it out.

As with every parenting intervention, it’s always good to start with the word “why?” Once we can figure out what might be underneath the behavior, we will be in a much better place to address it effectively.

Photo credit: phaewilk from morguefile.com

About Laura

Laura Kuehn, LCSW

Laura is a licensed clinical social worker who offers individual therapy to women and moms in Connecticut. She is the author of More Than a Conqueror, A Christian Kid's Guide to Winning the War on Worry. Cornerstones for Parents is the place she combines some of the things she is most passionate about: God's word, parenting and mental health.

This is great information, but what do you recommend for the situations where natural and logical consequences aren’t appropriate? When the child has hurt someone or damaged property? When the child name calls or yells when asked to do something or stop something? In my case it is a 12 year old boy with adhd.

Hi Chrissie, You are right, those behaviors would require a different approach. I think a three step approach might work. First – help the child come back to baseline – meaning, if they are emotionally activated, help them calm down or give them space to do so on their own if they prefer that. An emotional brain is not a brain that can take in new information. Second, once the child is calm, explore ways together that they can make amends for the thing they did. If they damaged something they can replace it, fix it, or work extra chores to pay it off. If they have hurt someone, they can find a way to “pay it back” with kindness or good deeds. Kids who come up with these ideas on their own are more likely to do them. Then third, investigate. If it is an ongoing pattern, try to figure out what is underneath the behavior. Is it a developmental or neurological delay? Do they struggle with impulse control across the board or in just certain circumstances? Are they struggling with jealousy or poor emotional regulation skill? Do they identify as the black sheep of the family and keep playing that part? Keeping track of behaviors over time and looking at them with curiosity can sometime help parents get a new perspective on things. That new perspective can influence the steps you take to intervene.

It might be helpful to distinguish between intentional and ignorant misbehaviors.

I hope this helps. Laura

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Shared Practices (PreK-8th grade)

Logical Consequences

A non-punitive response to misbehavior that allows teachers to set clear limits and students to fix and learn from their mistakes

A Non-Punitive Response to Misbehavior

An effective way to respond to misbehavior in the moment.

Logical consequences are an effective way to address misbehaviors the moment they occur in a way that balances empathy for the student and accountability for their actions.

Goals of Logical Consequences

• Stop the misbehavior
• Keep everyone safe
• Preserve the student’s dignity
• Get the student back to productive learning as soon as possible
• Help students see how their behavior affects their own and their classmates’ learning

Types of Logical Consequences

Loss of Privilege

Used in situations when something has been broken or a mess has been made—whether accidentally or intentionally.

Reparations: “You break it, you fix it.”

Used when student behavior does not meet pre-established expectations.

Positive Time-Out or  Space and Time 

Used when a student needs to calm down and recover self-control.

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How do you "punish"/give consequences for not doing work?

Discussion in ' General Education ' started by Jerseygirlteach , Feb 13, 2015 .

Jerseygirlteach Groupie

Feb 13, 2015

I have some kids who lack maturity and when they get frustrated or annoyed at something, they put their heads down and don't work. I have others that just choose, at times, not to work. What do you do when calling home and/or sending the work home does nothing and keeping them in for recess to do it is apparently a treat?  

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AnonyMS 7th grade ELA SDI in Texas

"Punishment" and "Discipline" are two different things. I prefer discipline, natural, and logical consequences. Remember that just b/c the kid isn't 'hurting' (not crying, doesn't seem affected), doesn't mean it isn't working. What do they do when they stay in for recess? I would have them do their work at that time. Another tactic is to reward those who ARE doing the right thing... special treat (sticker, extra SSR time, whatever).  

Koriemo Comrade

With my high schoolers, I mainly use positive reinforcement. I reward good behavior and I reward the whole class if everyone does the right thing. They get to pick their own seats if there are no missing assignments, small things like that.  

AnonyMS said: ↑ What do they do when they stay in for recess? I would have them do their work at that time. Another tactic is to reward those who ARE doing the right thing... special treat (sticker, extra SSR time, whatever). Click to expand...

readingrules12 Aficionado

It depends. Usually, I will have them miss out on a fun learning game in the classroom. I let them know they have to get ___ work done and done well, if they wish to play in the game. This works as they hate watching their classmates play a fun math game or other activity while they have to sit at their desk and not participate. For students who really, really won't do anything (it has been a few years since this has happened..but, I can remember students like this), I do the following. "I see you won't do your work. I am not going to let the ____ assignment go to waste. I am going to do it and you can stand here and watch me have all the fun." Then, I put on a great acting job and really act like I am having a fun time doing the assignment. This has always worked. Within 5 to 10 minutes, they are begging me to be able to do the assignment. Problem solved.  

Linguist92021 Phenom

With my high schoolers I do different things depending on the student or the situation. Some of them just need some encouragement, for example one student was clearly frustrated about something (he also told me), he was sad, irritated and his mind was somewhere else. I encouraged him to do the work several times, reminded him that's it wasn't even a lot, just get it done so his grade won't go down. He ended up doing most of it. A couple never do any or do very little and some time to time just want to put their head down and don't do any work. I remind / encourage everyone at least once, (often just saying it to the class, not calling out anyone, and not even walking around dealing with each and every one of them), but usually I also tell them that this assignment is due today, and if they're sitting here, having the opportunity to do it and chose not to, there's no chance of making it up later. Usually if their grades goes down too low, they get a wake up call, if they let it go that far. I also tell them that it's their choice to not work, but they cannot be disruptive, just because now they have nothing to do. I also have one on one conversations with some of them after a while. I don't do any positive reinforcement for this, doing their work is simply something that's expected of them, and I won't reward them for that, because then I'll be expected to reward students for every little thing.  

Peregrin5 Maven

As the teacher next door to me puts it, "every student has a constitutional right to fail if they really put their mind to it". You can try a million things with certain students and they will just not want to do anything. It's best not to beat yourself up over it. I personally don't believe in additional consequences or punishment over not doing classwork/homework. I believe them failing is consequence enough. I save consequences for behavior issues. I will do my best to contact parents and let them know if they are failing well ahead of time, or if I am concerned about their lack of work ethic, but sometimes their parents don't care, the student doesn't care, and I'm the only one left caring. So I will give words of encouragement, try to make class fun and a place they want to be a part of, but that's all I can really do, with 180 other students to take care of. I also try my best to build special relationships with students who work hard to achieve what they do, so those who are currently not working hard and want a special relationship with me will work at doing better.  

miss-m Groupie

For the frustrated/annoyed kids... it may not be something that needs punished or disciplined so much as a learning moment. I was one of those kids that didn't really work in class and got frustrated easily when something was really difficult for me (still do that sometimes lol) and if I'd been punished because I wasn't working it wouldn't have made any difference. Do you know what is causing these students to get frustrated or annoyed? Is it work related frustration (i.e., something doesn't completely make sense, they think the work is too difficult, etc.) or unrelated to what they're doing? As for just flat out not working... do they get homework done or are they literally getting NOTHING completed? Could they do homework at recess maybe somewhere so it's not a reward? Maybe not with you? Not to make another teacher a "punishment" but just take away the part they enjoy that makes it seem less desirable. Student teaching last year some of the other teachers had kids do their homework on the wall outside (which is actually sneaky, because then they have to watch the other kids play while they sit and work...) And as previously mentioned... sometimes no matter what, some kids just won't do work when you want them to (I was definitely that child... I used all my work time in class to doodle and daydream) which is frustrating, but eventually they will feel the consequences of their wasted time.  

Sarge Enthusiast

Food when they finish an assignment. That's really the only universal reward I've found works with just about every kid. One day I brought in a big box of goldfish crackers and whenever a kid finished a paper they got a small dixie cup of crackers. Kids who seldom completed anything started working their tails off. Worked great until I ran out of crackers.  

TXTeacherW Rookie

Feb 14, 2015

If you ask for a Dojo point, you might lose a Dojo point. Guess I'm mean sometimes, but I find I have to squash some types of questioning. I tell them not to ask for privileges, because it makes me want to say no. Privileges are earned, not given. Going back to to original question, though, I'm all for natural consequences to an extent. I give choices, "You can choose not to do this now, but you'll have to do it during recess." We have workroom at recess. Or maybe they miss a fun activity associated with the work they weren't doing. "It's okay for now that you aren't doing this work, but you'll have to sit in the hallway and sulk while the rest of us work hard. And you will have to complete this during Study Hall."  

Mamacita Aficionado

I guess I don't understand, or maybe it's because I have only taught older students, but if discipline is consistent, punishment is rarely necessary. Make sure students who do what they're supposed to do receive privileges, benefits, and tangible rewards which are distributed/awarded in front of everyone, ignore those who don't do what they're supposed to do, and in a surprisingly short time, more and more students will be doing what they're supposed to do. The diehard do-nothings punish themselves for their lack of discipline. No reward for you? Not my problem. Just please be sure a child is not lethargic because of hunger.  

TamaraF Companion

I teach high school. The consequences are pretty clear...if you don't do the work, you don't get the mark. You don't get the marks, you don't pass the class. Guess what? I'll still be here, next term! I do call home, talk to my admin team, and talk to each student, but by the time they reach grade 10, I believe it's time to learn a life lesson. I tell them, if I don't do my job, I don't get paid. Your job is to do the assignments. Your pay is the grades you earn. I do not allow sleeping in my classroom, or electronics. If a student chooses to sit and do nothing, I will talk to them about it. If they are disrupting others, they must leave. I do not bribe, beg or plead.  

2ndTimeAround Phenom

Feb 15, 2015

TamaraF said: ↑ I teach high school. The consequences are pretty clear...if you don't do the work, you don't get the mark. You don't get the marks, you don't pass the class. Guess what? I'll still be here, next term! I do call home, talk to my admin team, and talk to each student, but by the time they reach grade 10, I believe it's time to learn a life lesson. I tell them, if I don't do my job, I don't get paid. Your job is to do the assignments. Your pay is the grades you earn. I do not allow sleeping in my classroom, or electronics. If a student chooses to sit and do nothing, I will talk to them about it. If they are disrupting others, they must leave. I do not bribe, beg or plead. Click to expand...

lucybelle Connoisseur

dgpiaffeteach Aficionado

We have homework intervention for an hour after school. If they don't want to do the work, they get a homework intervention. If they skip HWI, they get a Saturday school. Skip that and it doubles to two or an ISS. I've only seen it get that far once or twice. Kids hate HWI because they miss practice, hanging with friends, etc... Of course, the whole district has to be on board. What do the kids enjoy? Could you take something away? Or not let them participate in a fun activity until all work is done? I don't allow my students to earn any extra credit if they have missing work.  

Rabbitt Connoisseur

If reward or discipline os not working, there is a deeper problem. Document and meet with colleagues, parents, admin, anyone who will help sort out the problem. I use class dojo. I also reward with the smallest things...one skittle, a sticker on their cheek, a cotton ball, lunch in the room, a word search, etc. This week I had a little Valentine craft they could color and turn into a box. If it's one consistent child, could that child have a mentor to report to? Maybe report first thing in the morning for motivational talk and a document sheet. You would document throughout the day. The child reports with the sheet to mentor at the end of the day. They discuss what went well and not so well. A 4th grade colleague uses simple, tiny connect the dot sheets. They are on the kiddos desks and only SHE can connect the dots. She will for behavior, names on papers, homework, etc. When it's filled, the kids color it and display it. That is reward in it's self. Yes, 4th grade!  

Proud2BATeacher Phenom

I tell my students that I can't make them do their work but I can make them not have any fun... Students who have "finish-first" assignments are not invited to any extra free time activities, they may have to put in 10-15 minutes of work before going to PE (the PE teacher is okay with this), they may miss recess in the morning (I try not to take away all of their afternoon recess), etc. Sometimes I pass out hardworking treats (right now the favorite treat is roasted chick peas). Depending on the student, I may photocopy it and send it home for homework. My  

otterpop Phenom

Feb 22, 2015

sheetalmehak said: ↑ Children learn more from natural consequences than they do lectures or threats. If he/she refuses to do homework, let them suffer the consequence of receiving a bad grade, which might result in attending study sessions and causing them to miss sports or time with their friends. Click to expand...

waterfall Virtuoso

For groups where I have students like this, I build a fun activity into the end of every group. It's always related to the content so it's not a total waste of instructional time, but it's still a game. For example, if I taught a new phonics pattern that day I'll let them play sparkle at the end with words using that pattern, or I'll let them play a relay game with math facts, etc. Students who are following the rules (including working) are allowed to play. Students who have chosen to goof around during the lesson then have to spend our game time completing their work. If a kid is truly working hard the entire time and is just slow, of course I still let them play. But if they're refusing or goofing around, they don't get to. I've found it to be really effective. My teammate does something similar with her older students (4-6th), but she lets them earn free minutes on their i pads if they're doing everything they're supposed to. We're not allowed to take away recess unless a kid is in the office for severe behavior (refusing to work doesn't count), so we had to come up with our own systems.  

Feb 23, 2015

otterpop said: ↑ I do understand this point of view, and this is how I usually treat incomplete work that students just choose not to do. My worry about this, though, is that some of these students just don't care enough about poor grades to let it be a motivator. Their parents see the grades and give them a stern talk about needing to take school seriously, but there's no follow through, and they'll just slide through school with D's because they can. Most of my students really care about their grades, but those who don't need... something else, or just to be let continue as is until they get a wakeup call in 10 years? I don't know what the right answer is. In my ideal world, the parents of these kids would sit them down at a table and not let them go anywhere until the work's done. I have some students with parents who will do that, and incomplete work is a short lived problem for them. Click to expand...

Reality Check Habitué

F. And they and their parents don't care about that, either.  

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